Sweet Relief

I am so relieved. The worst of my anxiety has passed. I think when I hit the really low point weeks ago it must have been just the withdrawal from the medication. I still am anxious and sad but I feel it's normal. I read lots of other blogs and ALL of the moms who are expecting are as anxious as I am. And ALL of the moms who have lost babies around this time of year and are coming up to the one year mark are as sad as I am. I have plateaued into something normal and while it still sucks that I'm anxious and sad at least I know I'm not crazy. It's manageable and it's what is to be expected at this moment in my life. I feel like it was such a good decision to get off of the meds. I feel much better without them. I will still have to make the decision after Caleb is born about whether I want to go back on them. I did have post partum depression after I had Abigail and I had to take meds for about a year. I'm not going to worry about that right now though. I'll think about it when I am preparing for my post labour checkup.

A Better Day

What a week. Two more work weeks to go, can you tell I'm thrilled to be leaving? I'm actually feeling a little better now. I think I just needed a really good cry. Which I had the other night. Shut myself in the shower and allowed myself to completely fall apart. Rare for me. Usually I have to keep it together at work, keep it together in front of Abby and now I have to keep it together because Caleb feels and hears everything. But the other night it was just too much. I needed the release and it did help. I realized that my mind can really only take one thing at a time. The morbidly good thing about focusing on Blaine and his approaching "birth"day is that I am no longer feeling anxious about Caleb or Abby. I guess it's my mind's way of protecting itself from overload but while I'm focused on one grief I can't even think about anything else.
I was reading a book on husband coached labour by this doctor. Everything he said about labour I totally agreed with and it made sense. It places a lot of responsibility on the husband for making sure I'm comfy and helping to relieve my anxiety. He has a 96% success rate in his own practice. Meaning, 96% of his patients are able to go through labour with no medical interventions. I don't think many doctors can say that. I was really impressed with some of his advise and will definitely try the techniques. However, he is a bit wacky. He grew up on a farm and is all about being natural, including suggesting pregnant women not wear underwear so the vagina can breath! I thought, okay he's a bit eccentric. Then I got to the chapter on how a husband can help his wife through pregnancy loss. I had to stop reading the book when he dropped the term "natural selection." And talked about how the "womb would expel anything not viable to start over again." It was a very clinical way to talk about loss and I was appalled to be honest. I can't imagine what my husband's reaction would have been to reading that chapter after we lost Blaine. And if he had of tried to make me feel better with some of those lines from the book I would have killed him! So, the part of the book about getting through labour without intervention was great...the rest in my opinion was a big pile of crapola.

Tiny Rant

Just getting this out of my system. If you made a comment after Blaine died that went something like this..."you're young you can always have another" then do not be surprised when you are NOT invited to Caleb's baby shower!!!!!!!

Other comments which will not earn you an invitation include but are not limited to...

"there must have been a good reason"
"it just wasn't meant to be"
"there must have been something wrong with him"
"it was God's will"

well guess what, I talked to God and he doesn't want you at my baby shower. Sorry, can't change God's will!!

I don't have much to say today just had to get that out of my system.

Rollercoaster

I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster lately. Within minutes I can go from laughing to weeping. I know it's most likely the hormones but it's not fun. Especially the bitter or weepy moments. Luckily one emotion doesn't stick around and then I'm on to the next one. My weepy and bitter moments usually bring up unresolved feelings about losing my boy.

I've got everything prepared for his memory boxes, to donate on his bday to the hospital. I have to still contact them which I'll talk to my doctor about on Wed. Hopefully they will take them, if not I'm sure the bereavement group we used to go to will have use for them. A friend of mine made cute little blankets, doll size, to include. And then I have framed poem the poem "Just Those Few Weeks" which can be found on my page of poems...I made it look like this for framing, size 4x6

and a scented candle, and a keychain which can be engraved. I decided to keep it simple and non religious so that it can be given to anyone.

For Blaine's birthday I'm also hoping to order one of these for our family...I saw it on Etsy and am in love!

I've been looking at all sorts of sculptures and figurines but none really speak to me like this. I can't remember where I read it but I remember reading "we are a family of (five) but with one missing, and that is a huge difference." This makes me think of that.

14 more days til Mat Leave! I am feeling so relieved and so ready to just be home and prepare for our new arrival. I've washed Caleb's "wear at hospital" and "wear home" outfits. Just in case he comes early.

More Ramblings

I added an friend to my FB friends list. She has two boys, one who was due the same time as Blaine was. I really like her and her family. But now I find myself tearing up looking at her photos. Her post wishing her boy a happy 6 month birthday. I am so happy for them and they haven't had an easy time but it just makes me miss my boy even more. I should be wishing Blaine a happy 6 month this week, or maybe he would have come a week or two early and we would have already celebrated. Either way I am not. Instead I am secretly planning a one year "birthday" party for a dead baby. I haven't even discussed it with my husband really. I don't know what he wants to do on April 13th. I'm pretty sure no one in our real life will remember, except you Liz cause I know you read my blog, lol. My mother and sister will be in Cuba so I'm sure they won't remember. I have just had to come to the realization that other than our little family, hubby and me and Abby, this was just not a significant event. And I'm certainly not going to remind anyone cause I don't need the pity party. If people remember I want it to be because they actually remember not because I had to tell them. I keep hearing all this nonsense about the royal wedding in April and I keep thinking "big deal no one died." There are so much more important things happening in April. But I guess not for the rest of the world.

One of my biggest faults is that I curse. I will let a sh*& escape if I stub my toe and if someone is really getting on my nerves I have been known to drop the F bomb. I don't like it and I try not to. I can pretty much control it except when I'm really exhausted or emotional. To my credit I have never sworn in front of my daughter or anyone else's kid. The point of this is that I keep saying this line in my head from a song which contains the F word.

"when I need them I don't see none of them...f*&^ all you fairweather friends all I need is him." courtesy of Dr Dre and Eminem (yes another fault of mine, I love rap music)

Unfortunaly that bitterness has entangled itself with the pain of April 13th.

March Break!!

Ahh sweet relief. I worked Monday but have the rest of the week off with Abby. It is so nice to be home with her. Yesterday we went to a movie and ate lots of candy. Today I took her out for breakfast and we went to the library. Tomorrow we're not doing much. Friday my nephew will be here so we're going to a big indoor playground and then this buffet for lunch. It's so nice and relaxing just spending time with her. It's a preview of what our amazing summer will be like! Not being at work I've been eating healthier, less junk food. We've been walking everywhere and playing games. I feel so much better physically and mentally. Except at night. Nights have been rough for me. I have restless leg syndrome I guess on top of muscle cramps. Last night I was uncomfortable sitting, standing and lying down! Gives me another reason that I can't wait for this boy to come!!
Yesterday I was comparing Blaine and Caleb's ultrasound photos. I guess I think because I have had so much medical care I can diagnose now. I honestly don't see any difference between their two twelve week u/s photos. They actually look exactly the same. So, what happened? It is so sad and frustrating for Blaine's death to be a "fluke." Not that having a reason would make it easier. I just don't get why one perfectly healthy baby lives and one perfectly healthy baby dies (at least for appearances sake, we never did an autopsy so I can't say for sure but all prenatal tests up to that point were 100%). That's the only problem with being off of work. I have ample time to rehash all of these things. I guess it's better to deal with it head on though than avoid it.

A Party

We went to a Buck and Doe or Jack and Jill last night. Whichever you call it, basically a bachelor and bachelorette party in one. I had a pretty good time, with my bottled water and orange juice. I realized while I was there that it was exactly one year from another party. Last year on that Saturday night I went to a friend's birthday party. I remember asking everyone "you can tell I'm pregnant right? I don't just look fat." Blaine was a little bump. I danced and drank ginger ale. We all laughed at how the baby must be having a great time listening to the rythym. I remembered that as I sat last night feeling Caleb bounce around. I had one of those moments where you have to bit the insides of your cheeks to keep your eyes from welling up with tears. I also realized last night how I am an absolute pro at both deflecting the "kids" questions and/or changing the subject. Of course being so visibly pregnant everyone wanted to ask me lots of questions and find out how I was doing. Which don't get me wrong was really nice. But that sort of attention always comes with the unwanted questions, "how many kids do you have?" "is this your first pregnancy?" "are you excited about having a boy?" I still don't know what to do and I feel like these are little bombs. I try to avoid them. I don't know how to reply. On one hand you don't want to deny the existence of any of your kids but on the other hand you don't want to be the downer in the corner talking about dead babies.