Sharing a Photo of my Pheonix

Caleb when he was 17 weeks and 5 days old...2 days older than his big brother.

"For This Child I Have Prayed" 1 Samuel 1:27

Pregnancy Interrupted

Sometimes that's what I feel like has happened. I find myself daydreaming about the baby or talking about the baby and I will inevitably slip up and call him Blaine. I know this is a different baby, a different soul. He'll have a whole other personality of his own. One fine day I will get to be with all three of my kids. But sometimes it seems like this is the same pregnancy. Like it just took a four month break or got interrupted by something. Maybe it's because it was just 4 months in between. That's not long in the grand scheme of things although when testing every month it seemed like forever. Four months is really nothing. It's already been one month since Christmas. Maybe it's because Blaine is unfinished business. When you get pregnant there's a timeline that you're supposed to progress through. That timeline ends with the bringing home of baby. But when you don't get to do that it's like you never finished. You're just stuck somewhere in between morning sickness (1st trimester) and heartburn (3rd). So now being further along with Caleb than I was with Blaine makes me slip up sometimes. My body and mind are going through the things now that got cut short back then. Luckily all of this has just happened in my head or else I know people will start to worry.
Worry. Another topic. Some douchebag at work today told me I looked "swollen" and asked me how my blood pressure was. Thanks for giving me something to worry about all freaking morning! Finally I just asked my supervisor if she thought I looked swollen and she said no. So then I relaxed because she wouldn't lie to me and she would notice cause she notices everything! NEWSFLASH if someone you know is pregnant after having lost a child do not point out things that could be wrong with them!!!! I feel like I'm becoming a drama queen and I desperately do not want to. I don't want to be one of those people that have a coronary over every little thing. I see them all the time, I work with a whole bunch of them! But this past week I have been. I have blown up and cried and gone on and on about every little thing. I'm blaming the hormones for now and not accepting that this may be a new personality trait.

Anxiousness

I've been feeling slightly more anxious than usual the past couple of days. Everything is 100% fine so far and it's not even just the baby that's got me worried. I've been worried about something happening to me or to Abby or to hubby. I know it's just my anxiety. I have those moments which creep in everytime life is going well. I am great at catastrophizing things. My daughter had a cramp in her leg last night and I immediately started worrying about bone cancer and what if she loses her leg, etc etc. At least I am able to acknowledge my own issues with sanity! I'm a little worried about going off the zoloft next month. Yes, anti depressants/anti anxiety meds like this one are safe to take when pregnant but there are side effects in small percentages. I've been that 1%, not taking any chances! I know what will happen when I go off the meds and how I'm going to feel but it's worth the risk. Even if the "only" side effect Caleb would get was the shakes for a day or two after birth it's not worth it to me. So, psychiatrist and I decided to wean me off of them for the third trimester. I'm not a big fan of this guy, he's just not warm and fuzzy. I just don't want to purge my soul to him. I have kept seeing him because we are on the same wavelength when it comes to protecting the baby. It was actually his suggestion to do this and I feel good about the decision but am nervous. I've been feeling so much better on them. I remember how I felt those early days after Blaine died. I wonder if I have just reached a natural stage of grief or if the meds are responsible for my acceptance. I couldn't think before the meds. I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't even decide what to make for dinner. I was a total mess. I know I won't be that bad now but I wonder how low I will get.

for one more day

Yesterday I read the book "for one more day" by Mitch Albom. Yes, I'm a fast reader. I had no idea what it was about I just picked it up at the library. I am not a big fan of the library. I feel kind of ghetto borrowing books. And it's like a flea market, if you don't know exactly what you want you have to wander around. I saw this book though and I had read one of his others so thought I'd grab it. Turns out it is about a man who loses his mother, his life goes on a downward spiral, he tries to kill himself and then inexplicably wakes up to find that he has one day to spend with his mother. A do over day I guess. It was a really nice little book and had some good quotes and thoughts in it. I'll share a couple here at the risk of breaking copyright laws!

"You can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back."

"But she loved me. She really did. She loved me falling off a swing set. She loved me stepping on her floors with muddy shoes. She loved me through vomit and snot and bloody knees. She loved me coming and going, at my worst and at my best. She had a bottomless well of love for me."

"But there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begins."

Those are the three that stuck with me the most. I've never really looked at the mother/son relationship from the perspective of the son before.

I don't really have a purpose to this post. Just wanted to share those thoughts.

Residual Bitterness

I though I had pretty much overcome all of the anger and bitterness I had surrounding Blaine's loss. Pause, I hate the word loss. Abby actually thought we had "lost" a baby because technically that's what the word means. I didn't lose him. He also didn't "die." I use the term "dead" baby but it's really false because to me he isn't dead. He is very much alive he just isn't here. But anyways, that's off topic. After Blaine left us I was pretty bitter about some things and I thought I had moved on from all of that. There's been a lot of recent posts on other mom's blogs and FB about unsupportive family and friends and about people forgetting or ignoring after a certain amount of time passes. Reading these have made me realize that I'm still bitter about that too. Especially now that I'm pregnant and hearing all of the well wishes certain people have for this baby. There are people who are expecting to be a part of the lives of my living children. I wish I could put a big sign up saying "guess what, if you didn't celebrate the life of the one that died, you don't get to be part of the living!" As bad as it sounds I want my living kids to know exactly who loved their brother and who could have cared less. I don't want them to be bitter and hateful about it but I want them to know who was there and who wasn't. Who couldn't be bothered to say "sorry for your loss" even. I will never forget the people who stepped up in my life and supported me one hundred percent. And I will also never forget the people who just looked away because they were too uncomfortable or just didn't care enough. I know you should forgive and forget and I will forgive but I won't forget. And I will find a way, even if it means renting a billboard!, to let these people know that they weren't there for Blaine so guess what, you don't get to be there for Caleb either. I think that's the last of my residual bitterness. I'm pretty accepting of everything else that has happened.
I've decided I have to send out some Valentine cards on Blaine's behalf. I bought cards for Abby to take to daycare and school and I was a little broken hearted thinking he wouldn't get to send out cards. He'll never have that cute little girl in his class that he's a little shy to give a card to. He'll never bring home a homemade envelope full of cards from all his friends and teachers. I have to do these things for him. Like everything else really, it will be on his behalf, from his loving Momma.

Weepy Day

Yesterday was a rough day. Maybe because I've been listening to Josh Groban over and over again. Maybe I just needed a day to let it all out. I think I teared up everytime I saw Blaine's name yesterday, which is a challenge since the bathroom is the only room in my place that doesn't have Blaine's name somewhere in it! And then I really started sobbing. The ugly cry. You all know what I mean. I was cleaning off the rocking chair and putting all of Caleb's things on it so I could see everything together. And then I sat on the edge of my bed looking at it and I just broke. All I could think was "what am I going to do with all of this stuff if he dies?" I couldn't get that thought out of my head and I just sat there crying. And then I looked up at my dresser where Blaine's memory box sits along with the box of his remaining ashes and that made it worse. I haven't cried that much since I had that mucuos plug scare in December. Today I am a little more composed but still a little weepy. I'm glad I have today off of work because I know stress and me would not go well today.
Yesterday we were out for a walk and Abby asked me out of the blue "why don't we go to the graveyard to visit Blaine?" She, at 5, knows all about graveyards since we went to one for the Dove release in September. I explained to her that some people bury bodies in the graveyard but some people choose to turn the bodies into ashes instead. I told her Blaine's ashes were at home in the green velvet bag and some in the necklace I wear. She of course wants to see them now. I keep putting it off but Abby has the memory of an elephant. The other day she tore her room apart looking for a necklace she lost when she was 3! She doesn't forget. She mentioned it again this morning, "when can I see Blaine's sand?" "I want to see him." I talked to hubby and we don't really see an issue with showing it to her. I just keep thinking when is it going to be too much for her? When do the nightmares come? When will it just be too much for her little heart to handle? But she continues to surprise me. She is just so matter of fact about it. She says she is so lucky because she has her own angel. She said to me this morning "you have three kids now Momma." Why is it that 5 year olds are so wise? Many adults we all know choose to ignore the kids who aren't physically here. They'll say they have 2 grandkids instead of 3 because explaining one died is just too uncomfortable. But 5 year olds have no problem with it at all. If you were to ask her she'd say she has two brothers. One in Heaven and one in Momma.
Out of the mouth of babes right? Never ceasing to amaze me.

One Year

A year ago today we were out for dinner at a local restaurant. Coincidentally this was the same restaurant hubby and I ordered from the day we found out we were having Abby. We had dinner and I decided on a lark to buy a pregnancy test on the way home. We had tried in December to get pregnant and I was pretty confident it had worked. My AF was due that night or the next morning so I originally planned to wait until Sunday to test. I couldn't wait though, too excited. We bought the test and went home, I went into the bathroom and took the test. I was pregnant. I ran out and hugged my husband and we told Abby. She laughed and gave me a big hug. We were so happy. Welcome to our lives Blaine! We had no doubt in our minds that by the end of the year we would have our family of four. We were hoping for another girl. It would just make things easier since for a year or two they will have to share a room. And it would be cheaper because girls can pass down clothes and share toys. Within weeks though I knew I was having a boy. I've been able to tell with all three pregnancies. I started calling him my little nudger and as time went on he became Blaine, only in my head though. We were so thrilled. I told everyone right away. By the third week in January I was already feeling really sick. I told everyone at work and all of my friends. Changed my FB status. I wasn't waiting to tell anyone because there was no way anything was going to happen to my baby! I took my calendar at work and planned out the next nine months, vacation days to go for dr appts, my last day of work. My family was thrilled, we were thrilled. I was just two months behind my sister so Christmas would be a busy one for the grandparents. Who was that glass half full girl? Looking back I can't believe the optimism I had. The blind naivety. Pregnancy meant life for people like me. I ate well, worked out, my family had no history of loss, not that I knew of at the time. Blaine was coming and I was nervous about having a boy. I wasn't sure I'd know what to do with a boy. I remember being at someone's house once and taking a boy to the bathroom with Abby and telling him to sit and go pee. And he looked at me like I was an idiot and said "I don't sit when I pee." I don't know! My life changed so much that January. I was suddenly the mother of two! I had the million dollar family. One boy and one girl. Isn't that what everyone dreams of? The house in the suburbs, the golden retriever, the boy and the girl. How quickly things changed. One year ago today I was in a bubble knowing that my first son was on his way.