Surprise Presents

This was the first email I opened at work today. It was titled "Blaine in China." This is Blaine's name written in Chinese at the Great Wall of China. My friend Liz at work did this for me as a surprise birthday gift. Liz is one of those rare "BM's" who have actually taken time to "get" the whole "BLM" thing. Liz could write a book to tell friends and family what to do and say when someone you know loses a child. I had to surpress tears of joy at my desk looking at this. It was a perfect bday present. Love it love it love it.
Another pleasant surprise, my supervisor and someone I consider to be a friend and mentor took me out for a bday luncheon. It was nice to go out for lunch and just chit chat. And work has been really busy for me lately and I haven't taken a proper lunch in over a week so that was nice too.
And now time to finish my candy cane cheesecake! I love being spoiled.

Older and Wiser

Growing up I always had a timeline. By 25 I expected to have my first child and I was indeed pregnant when I was 25 although Abby came at 26. I thought I'd have 4 kids by the time I was 35. I have two kids, one living, one dead, plus I had an ecotopic pregnancy and am now pregnant again. So I guess I am on schedule with that as well. Today I turn 32. This is the first birthday I've had where I can say, yes I do feel older and wiser than the last birthday. I have learnt a whole array of things this year, some good and some bad. Most are lessons I thought I'd get to skip in this life. I feel I've aged 10 years in 2010, physically and mentally.
This year I have learnt that I can overcome almost anything. I've looked into the face of insanity and walked away intact. I've learnt that the people who love you aren't necessarily going to be there for you when you hit rock bottom and that the people you never expected will step up and take your hand. I have learnt that nothing compares to the loss of a child, not a scorned love or loss of a friend or cousin or uncle or parent. It is a grief that swallows you whole. Not an hour of the day goes by that I don't think about him. Not a night goes by that he is not in my dreams. To truly move on from grief you need to accept and focus on the positive. But even now that I am able to do these things and able to live a somewhat normal (or NEW normal) existence I am still a BLM. Forever being Blaine's mom means that I will forever be a Dead Baby Momma. This year I have learnt that that is not all bad. While it's not something I'd willingly choose it does come with hope. It comes with a community of love and support. Like this world has never seen. I imagine what us BLM's could accomplish if we all put our heads together! I've learnt the internet is not all evil. That in your weakest moment you can hit google search and find support and love and friendship. I will never take that for granted again and I will always be thankful that I had those resources. I've learnt that my husband is a great man and a great father. I've learnt my daughter is one of my heroes, so strong, so sweet, and the most faithful person I know. I've learnt that God really does love me. I've learnt that if I lost everything in this life I would still have Him, I would have enough.
I have a new timeline now. But it's just one year. By 33 I plan on having a second living child. I will be stronger and happier and even wiser. I will live each day of the next year like it's my last and enjoy the moments I have with my family and friends. I will continue to marvel at all of the things a 5 year old can teach me about life and love. I will continue to care for my son and keep him an active part of our lives.

Rambling

Nothing is better than a lazy Saturday. I love them. Taking Abby to karate and then coming home, relaxing, maybe some cleaning, some internet time, some tea or coffee and maybe a pastry from the bakery. Nothing to do but relax and enjoy the day off work.
Tomorrow we are decorating our place for Christmas. I love Christmas which is why I will probably mention it everyday until the 28th! I can't wait to decorate and watch Abby putting the ornaments on the tree. We went to a craft sale and she picked out a homemade butterfly ornament for Blaine. We wrote his name on it. I'm glad I get to involve her in these things. It's comforting to see her remembering him and talking about him. I know she will carry him with her for all of her life.
At karate today there was a new little guy in class and him and his mom were playing before class started. It broke my heart a little because I would love to be playing and cuddling with Blaine, chasing him around, tickling him and twirling him in the air. I know one day I will get to but it doesn't seem soon enough. Believing in heaven makes things much easier but it seems so far away sometimes.
This post is everywhere but that's my head these days. I am everywhere and feeling everything. Blogs are a mixed bag because I am a mixed bag.
Tomorrow is my birthday so hubby and I are shipping Abby off to Grandmas and spending a quiet evening together. This might be TMI but we haven't "you know" since I found out I was pregnant. I'm terrified we'll pop something. I know that sounds extremely paranoid but I feel like I need to keep that area specifically for the baby right now. So, that leaves me feeling very self conscious and my self esteem is kind of taking a hit. I'm really fat right now. I'm not "you knowing" with him. I feel like I'm a horrible wife right now but for the immediate present I need to be all about me.
So, I am rambling. Sometimes you got to!
I hope she doesn't mind me doing this but I'm asking anyone reading this to please stop for a minute and say a prayer for my BLM friend Dana. She is having a rough time right now and my heart is broken for her. If you've read this post please stop right now and pray for her. Let our prayers send Jesus himself to her to surround her with love and hugs.

Not so Bad

I saw Dr Sasquatch today. He has gotten a haircut since April 13th. Other than that he looked the same. I was sitting in the chair and he turned the corner and I looked up and there he was. I remembered how he looked when he ran into the room after Blaine was born, throwing his coat off into the chair and rushing to see Blaine. And miracle, he remembered me! He said I looked different though, I said "ya I haven't been sitting in the hospital for two days." I gave him a brief reminder about what happened in April and told him about my ecotopic in August. He gave me his condolences and said how sorry he was that I lost the baby in April and that was a horrible time in my life. I like that he said that. And sounded sincere too. I've decided to keep seeing him for my care in this pregnancy. I feel like he gets it. And he has a plan and that's what I need, a man with a plan! He mapped it all out, what we're going to do and what if this happens or that happens. And I get an ultrasound every two weeks!! yeah!! So, once the inital feeling wore off of seeing him after all this time I felt good and relaxed with him. And his hands weren't nearly as big as I remembered! And he remembered Blaine. With all of the dead and living babies he has seen in the past 7 months something about us stuck out. That made me feel like Blaine was important to someone outside our little family. On a humourous note, he shares an office with someone so I'm not sure who they belong to but there are some weird posters up. One room I was in had a poster of a pantless Burt Reynolds (maybe late 1970's). He had his back to the camera so you can't see anything but his hairy butt and someone covered that with a post it note! lol And then in the next room there's pictures of a topless Tom Selleck playing volleyball! (again late 70's) Strange.

Untitled

Haven't written since Tuesday. My mind is just full up of stuff right now. I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around me. As I approach 17 weeks with this pregnancy I am increasingly anxious. Every pain, every cramp makes me worry. Sadly the only peace of mind I've been able to come to is that if the baby does die I know it will not crush me. I know I am strong enough to survive it. So, I am waiting. Blaine was born the day before my wedding anniversary. My birthday is on the 28th so I have this fear that I will lose this baby around my birthday. That another special day this year will be tarnished. I tell myself I will feel better after my u/s this afternoon. But really that will only give me peace for a week or two. I know if the results are positive then at least my cervix is good for another couple of weeks. Then I will go into anxiety mode again. I want to go to my appt with Dr. Sasquatch tomorrow and have him tell me that everything is going to be alright and that this time around there is a 100% chance the baby will live.
Saturday I went to do some Christmas shopping with my mom and sister. They just opened up a really cute kids clothing store. It is a BLM nightmare. As soon as you walk in down the main aisle is all of the cutesy "Baby's First Christmas" and "Santa's Favourite" crap. Then I turn to my right and it's the baby boy section. I, being a masochist, had to have a closer look. I drooled over the "Mommy's Little Monster," "No Girls Allowed (except Mommy)" and "Little Bro" shirts. I would have bought Blaine one of each. I could barely breath. But I kept it together because my mom and sister and daughter were loving the place. I bought my newest niece a cute little outfit and my daughter some hairbands. And then I did something totally wacky. I bought something for the little bean (who I now call my little monkey). I bought him a very soft little blankie to come home in and I bought him a little stuffed monkey. I am convinced now I'm having a boy although as long as they come home alive I don't really care. So, the little monkey now has stuff. They have stuff to come home to. It made me feel a little better to do that. I kept it together until later on in the evening and then I cried. I cried because my mom bought my niece a baby's first Christmas shirt. And not Blaine. Not that I expected her to buy a shirt for a dead baby but I expect that he should be here to wear the shirt! I know Christmas will be tough. My in laws are coming here Christmas day. They won't mention him. They never have. Not even to say "sorry you lost your baby." The only emotion they handle well is anger. And that's fine. I will have time in the morning with my husband and in the evening to think of Blaine and talk about him. I know my mom will most likely say something when we go over there boxing day. And I know my sister still thinks of him. That's enough for me. As long as the people who would have been important to him still care that is enough. Everyone else can go about their lives and holidays. We will find a way to remember him and keep him in the celebration.

Thankful

The writing challenge for Faces Of Loss, Faces of Hope this month is "Thanksgiving."

I truly am thankful. And I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm going to do this as a list but not in any particular order.

I am thankful for my family, my hubby and my daughter
I am thankful for the beanie baby growing inside me
I am thankful for the short time I had with Blaine
I am thankful for what I have gained since I lost Blaine, the knowledge, the strength, the spirit, the friendships.
I am thankful for stupid T.V. shows and books which keep my mind occupied
I am thankful for a job where I can be myself, even on those days when I have to go into the bathroom stall and cry
I am thankful for friendships, the old that are still around and the new
I am thankful for God and the strength he has given me
I am thankful that I didn't let the darkness overwhelm me, that I didn't become bitter and resentful
I am thankful for all of the programs that are out there that reach out to women like me, groups like PBSO who helped me maintain my sanity!

There is probably so much more I should put. All I have to do is watch the news to know how lucky I am. It's so easy sometimes to put on a "woe is me" face and feel as if the world is out to get me. I have lost the most important thing in the world, one of my children. But even with such great loss I have so many blessings. And now when I start to feel bitter or angry at the world I just keep that in mind.

What I Mourn The Most

It's so easy in the early stages to get wrapped up in what I lost and what I miss. I was so self absorbed, worried about how I would move on and what MY life would be like in the future. Now that I have come to a peaceful place with myself I find the things I miss and mourn the most are not for me but for others. Others who have lost so much and not gained what I have. I mourn for my daughter who has lost her little brother. Who will never walk him to school holding hands or fight over the remote control. Who will never yell at him to get out of her room or cuddle up with him in the backseat of the car on the way to Papa's. She doesn't get to sit in the rocking chair and hold her baby brother. When she talks about him to her friends and teacher she is talking about an angel waiting for her in heaven (and she talks about him a lot!). Big Sis has handled it so well, as only an innocent child can. She very matter of factly said "I'm not sad, I'll see him when I go to Heaven." And that's her reality.
I mourn for my hubby. Everytime I see a boy and his Daddy on the subway or I see a commercial with a Daddy and his son playing sports or watching a game together. He doesn't get to take his son to hockey games and baseball games. He doesn't get to teach him how to shave or drive a car. Daddy won't teach Blaine how to make Momma and Sissy's favourite pancakes. Everytime I see a father and son I think of what he's lost.
I mourn for my parents who had to watch their daughter lose her baby. They sat in the hospital room and I knew they would have done anything to take my pain. My Mom is usually the emotional mess in the family but she kept it together for me that day. My Dad hates hospitals and Blaine's was the only birth he's ever attended. And I love them for that.
I mourn for my nephew who had to tell his Auntie he's sorry she lost the baby. And for my sister who still calls Blaine her nephew, and I love that.
These are the things that make me the saddest now. I know what I have lost and have come to peace with that. I know I have an eternity with Blaine waiting for me once I've finished what I am here to do in this life. I know he is up there planting my garden! When I get there he's going to have a big party waiting for me and the two of us are going to spend so much time just getting to know each other. It is harder to come to peace with what others have lost though.