A Break

I have felt the need to take a break from this space for awhile. Not from reading but from writing. There is just so much going on in my head everyday but unfortunately it's nothing new. I find I still need to visit here everyday. I need to read the blogs of Blaine's friends, I need to look at his name photos, it is my time with him. I talked about this to Dana. This space is Blaine's, even if it is shared with his big sis and little bro. When I blog or do blog related activities it is like I'm spending time with him. It's the same to me as taking sis to karate and watching her learn and play. It's the same as lying on the bed making googly faces at brother and watching him learn and discover. This is my time with my middle child, my first son, the one I am waiting to meet. I wish I still had "profound" things to write everyday. Like I did last summer when it was still so fresh. Now, I think we've settled into our new norm. The emotions I have, the guilts, the regrets, the joys, are what will last me a lifetime. Nothing new is going to happen.

Check it Out!!

Okay second post today but I just came across this and had to share. It is quite simply one of the most beautiful things that has ever been done for me (for all of us). I don't know who this person is that made this but I love them.


Right Where I Am

Thank you so much Josh. It literally gave me chills to see my sons name. Just simply Blaine.

Friends

Last night I had the pleasure of having dinner with Dana. Dana is the momma to three heavenly angels, Jacob, Cub and August, as well as a blossoming little Rainbow in utero. It was so nice to be able to sit and talk to someone who really knows how I feel. Who doesn't think I'm crazy or obsessed or weird. Someone I can spill my deepest fears and regrets to who won't stare at me in silence or struggle to say "the right thing." You never know how important it is to have people like that in your life until you really need them. I've had a handful of people who have come into my life and I've thought to myself that they must have been sent there for a reason. Dana is one of those people. Maybe it's the sisterhood of babyloss, the grief that only we share and understand, the journey we are all on and will be on forever. It was just really nice. To cry and laugh and talk about morbid things like what infant coffins look like. Things we moms don't talk about on playdates and coffee dates.
I'm feeling much more relaxed today, maybe it helps to just get it out of my system. Now I feel clear headed and ready to keep on keeping on.

Untitled

I've been having a really hard time writing this week. I've got a swirl of emotions around me but I can't sit down and type. I think I've taken a thousand pics of Caleb. I still can't believe he's real or that this will last. I've had to take a break from reading a lot of blogs because everytime I see a picture of a dead baby I see his face. He looks up at me and he smiles this big smile ear to ear and I know if anything happens to this boy I will follow him. Even more than it was with Abby my life is now connected to his. Talk about putting a lot of pressure on your son. I just hope I can get past this before he's old enough to wonder why his mother is so crazy for him. I'm really really trying to focus on all of the positive and not live in fear. Breastfeeding is going very very well, he is a great eater and latches like a champ. Abby is off school and we are having a great time. Took some field trips last week with her karate camp. It's such a joy to watch her play and she gets off a ride and yells "that was awesome!" She is awesome! I am blessed to have two beautiful kids here with me. I just have to relax and enjoy it instead of worrying that each moment may be the last.
Abby has been talking about death a lot more since my parents dog died a couple of weeks ago and a police officer was killed at that sametime and it was all over the news. She has been comfortable with the topic since we explained Blaine's death but now I wonder if she's a little too comfortable with it. She has this image that all of these dead people and animals are just up there in Heaven playing ball together. The police officer is there with Blaine and Suzy (the dog). Oh and Tuna our dead piranha! Apparently in Heaven fish can catch. I love that she groups everyone together but I worry about it. Yes, I know, I worry about everything.

30 Days of Questions

Day 24- A letter to your parents - skipping
Day 25- What I would find in your bag

wallet; keys; lipbalm; cell; baby supplies; water bottle

Day 26- What you think about your friends - skipping

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

thought it might be fun, I like filling out questionnaires about myself!

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then? - skipping
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned

that I'm a good mother and have one very happy baby boy and one super duper little girl; that I will never not be anxious about something; that I spend too much time focusing on people and things that are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things and not taking enough time to enjoy what is in front of me.

Day 30- Your favorite song - In My Bones by Bluerodeo


You make me want to laugh
You make me want to cry
Make me wake up late at night and wonder why
You wash over me like waves over stones
In my bones
You make me want to get up
And be a better man
Make me want to weigh myself against my plans
You were born to me like kings to their thrones
In my bones

CHORUS

You can be what you want to be
I don't mind
If there's a season for all things
I hope that's what we'll find
But when it's time for you to go
Don't you worry
Don't look behind

CHORUS

Every time you walk out
You take a part of me
A part I hide so deep inside so no one sees
The beauty that nobody owns
In my bones
You walk with me wherever I'm going
In my bones

Okay, I didn't officially take 30 days to do this but whatever! It's my blog! and it was kind of boring.

30 Days of Questions - 22 & 23

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

I don't think I'm different than everyone else. I do feel very different then the other moms I am around at the park or on playdates. I just can't focus on the same things they chat and worry about. I don't care about the latest trends in strollers or baby whispering techniques. I don't worry about sleep schedules and finding diapers on sale. I sit with them at the park or coffee shop and I just find my mind wandering. I think about what really worries me like SIDS and weird diseases that kill infants. I think about Blaine and how old he'd be and what we'd be watching him doing. I think about my BLM friends and how I'd rather be with them watching their rainbows play with Caleb. I just can't listen to the stuff that isn't life changing. I can't focus on the trivial right now. I would like to get back to the point where I can. Where I can have mindless chit chat about naptimes and not want to scream out "I don't care as long as he's breathing." So, I do feel different then other moms. I'm sure most of you reading can relate to that. Once you've lost a child parenthood changes for you. It doesn't necessarily make you a better parent, it just changes your priorities. It changes you outlook.

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

I scream for ice cream! Chocolate. Wine, cheese, crackers and dip. Those are my 6 weaknesses.

The Simple Things and 30 Days of Questions

I watched the movie "Devil" last night and one line from it has stuck with me. At the end one of the characters is explaining how he forgave someone who did something horrible to him. He says "my Grandma used to say, if you believe the devil exists then you also have to believe that God exists."

I'm such a negative person. It's not entirely my fault. I do have an anxiety disorder. However, I know I choose to focus on the negative at times. This summer I have been making a conscious effort to focus on the positive, even the things that seem simple. But I need to go bigger than that. Yes the devil exists but so does God. Yes, I have to raise my children in a not so nice neighbourhood, around people I don't want them to be anything like, with a lot going on in the world that could hurt them. Yes, something could happen to me or hubby tomorrow, or both of us. But if I spend all of my time thinking about all of those things then I'm going to miss out on enjoying all of the good things that are happening around me. What if my kids turn out great! What if they live long healthy lives! What if me and hubby are so old he has to push me around in a chair and change my catheter! I'll have wasted so much time and energy on the negative.

So, I am spending this time focusing on the good and the things that deserve my attention, such as:

a hot coffee and bagel while I write this

the way Caleb smiles at me whenever he sees me

the fact that only I can satisfy him cause all he wants is boob! he doesn't even want milk pumped into a bottle, he wants it right from the source.

Sissy being such a huge help and always wanting to be around him and play with him

how excited Sissy got when Caleb smiled at her for the first time on her birthday

the fact that my husband wants to help with the baby!!

school is out! and we have all summer for fun together, trips and days at the pool are awaiting us

There is so much more I have to be thankful for but these things in particular have sat with me for the past few days. I am truly blessed and that's what I need to remember. I wrote "lucky" instead of "blessed" but changed it. As Nicki Minaj says "no I'm not lucky I'm blessed."

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have : breastfeeding; raising wonderful human beings; early retirement
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them : none right now but used to be called Mutt, Lainey, Beanie
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future : hopefully will stay married to my hubby
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy : I still love getting name photos