One Year

A year ago today we were out for dinner at a local restaurant. Coincidentally this was the same restaurant hubby and I ordered from the day we found out we were having Abby. We had dinner and I decided on a lark to buy a pregnancy test on the way home. We had tried in December to get pregnant and I was pretty confident it had worked. My AF was due that night or the next morning so I originally planned to wait until Sunday to test. I couldn't wait though, too excited. We bought the test and went home, I went into the bathroom and took the test. I was pregnant. I ran out and hugged my husband and we told Abby. She laughed and gave me a big hug. We were so happy. Welcome to our lives Blaine! We had no doubt in our minds that by the end of the year we would have our family of four. We were hoping for another girl. It would just make things easier since for a year or two they will have to share a room. And it would be cheaper because girls can pass down clothes and share toys. Within weeks though I knew I was having a boy. I've been able to tell with all three pregnancies. I started calling him my little nudger and as time went on he became Blaine, only in my head though. We were so thrilled. I told everyone right away. By the third week in January I was already feeling really sick. I told everyone at work and all of my friends. Changed my FB status. I wasn't waiting to tell anyone because there was no way anything was going to happen to my baby! I took my calendar at work and planned out the next nine months, vacation days to go for dr appts, my last day of work. My family was thrilled, we were thrilled. I was just two months behind my sister so Christmas would be a busy one for the grandparents. Who was that glass half full girl? Looking back I can't believe the optimism I had. The blind naivety. Pregnancy meant life for people like me. I ate well, worked out, my family had no history of loss, not that I knew of at the time. Blaine was coming and I was nervous about having a boy. I wasn't sure I'd know what to do with a boy. I remember being at someone's house once and taking a boy to the bathroom with Abby and telling him to sit and go pee. And he looked at me like I was an idiot and said "I don't sit when I pee." I don't know! My life changed so much that January. I was suddenly the mother of two! I had the million dollar family. One boy and one girl. Isn't that what everyone dreams of? The house in the suburbs, the golden retriever, the boy and the girl. How quickly things changed. One year ago today I was in a bubble knowing that my first son was on his way.

The Two Paths

Everyday I see two paths, the scenarios play out in my head over and over day to day. I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now. Things could go either way.
Path one leads me to a hospital room. I look down at my arm and I can see the IV. The room smells of morphine and blood. This isn't a happy ending. I'm delivering another baby. Losing another son. I'm crying and screaming. There's nothing they can do, he's too little, it's too soon. My body has failed. I first think of Abby. My grief is only a small part mine. I grieve for her. She is much more invested in this pregnancy. She knows he's a Caleb, she's picked out a blanket. She's decided which toys she's willing to share. She's got plans for the outfit she wants to get him and the stuffed bunny to match hers. In this scenario my thoughts are always on her and what I will tell her, how I will break her heart.
Path two also leads me to a hospital room. This scene is the opposite though. I am beaming. I've told hubby he better hold Caleb first because once I get him I'm not letting go. And that's exactly what I'm doing, holding tight to my boy. Watching him curled up on my chest. He's healthy and pink and breathing. My family is gathered around. I can barely keep Abby and Daddy still they are so excited. We are all happy and it makes a beautiful photo. One I will probably send out for Christmas. I can smell his soft baby skin. His sweet breath. I can feel the weight in my arms. He's wrapped in the blankie Big Sis picked out for him. I am crying tears of sheer joy.
I literally live each scenario each day. Depending on my mood I am either extremely anxious or blissfully optimistic. So far, medically, everything is absolutely perfect. The anatomy u/s came back and Caleb is perfect. My cervix is actually on the longer side of normal which is good and it is firmly closed! I still can't shake the fear though. If it's been more than a couple of hours and I haven't felt a movement I worry. If I get a cramp I worry. If I'm constipated and have to go to the bathroom and push I worry I'm going to split open my cervix! I worry. Can I just be put in a coma for the next three months???
I'm at a huge crossroads in my life and in my family's life. Unfortunately the decision of which way to go is not mine to make. One path will lead us into joy and love. The other path will lead us into more grief and more unanswered prayers and questions. Blaine was and will always be my sunset. Beautiful, breathtaking, gone too soon, and a prelude to the darkness. I really hope Caleb gets to be my sunrise.

Nine Months

Dear Blaine, it's hard to believe tomorrow is our nine month anniversary. It still feels so wrong. I should have carried you for nine months and then brought you home. Instead I have been living without you. I am so lucky to have your sister. She unknowingly has been a rock for me. And I know how blessed I am to be carrying your little brother. I still have not quite come to terms with the fact that I am carrying a child that only exists because you are not here. I wonder what your personality is like and if he will be similar. I don't really wonder how he'll feel learning about you, the one that came before. I know you will always just be a part of his life. He will probably think it's strange that other kids don't have big brothers in heaven! I know sis thinks it's special that she has her own angel. Even though I know I've lost track of how many weeks it's been and I don't formally recognize every passing month. But you know I think about it and I feel like I need to do something special tomorrow. Not a public thing. Just something for you and me. Like sis and I have our girly days. Not that nine months is really a landmark but it just seems a little more significant than eight or ten. It also brings me closer to a day I dread. Three months from tomorrow will be one year. I feel the dread already. I don't know what to do for you. I don't know how to celebrate or mourn the birthday of a baby that isn't with me. I know I have to do something. If I don't make it special I know I will end up sitting at home going insane. And I've been there done that!
Love you B, today, tomorrow and always.

First Snowfall

We have finally had a real snowfall here. So far winter has been a treat, mild and not too much snow or rain. I'm not a winter person. Sounds strange coming from someone who wants to move up north and leave the city life behind. It's not the snow so much but the cold and the slush and ice. Yesterday and today were the first times this year I really got to see Abby play in the snow. Making snow angels and having a snowball fight. I imagine Blaine here with us. Just 4 months old. Sitting up in his stroller in awe at his big, snow covered, frolicking sister. Daddy and sis would be tobagganing and Blaine and I would be sitting at the top of the hill, most likely I would be sipping a cup of timmies hot chocolate. He'd have the cutest little snowsuit. I'd sit him down in the snow to take photos and he'd just be mesmerized by this cold wet white stuff. I'm sure he'd try to stick some in his mouth. Daddy and I would disagree over whether he was big enough to sit on Daddy's lap and go down the hill. I would say no because I'm anxious but Daddy would insist, wanting to give his boy every experience. Then we'd come home and Blaine and I would be pooped. We'd have a nice afternoon nap cuddled up together.
What should have been.
I had the worst dream the other night. I was at my mom's house (bad enough!) and was going to the bathroom (doesn't my horror always start on the toilet). I looked down and there was a lot of blood. I didn't even pull anything up I just walked out of the bathroom and collapsed and started screaming and crying. It was so real and so vivid. Luckily while I have intense dreams I'm also aware that I am dreaming. So my conscious was able to calm my dream self down and remind me I was just dreaming it wasn't real. I woke myself up and said a little prayer and rubbed my belly. The next day though I was so scared to go to the bathroom. I kept thinking what if the dream was a premonition. But then I was scared to hold it because I don't want to get a bladder infection! I have an ultrasound on Wednesday and it will be a relief to see Caleb. I only get one more after that and then I go to a monthly u/s schedule instead of every two weeks. So, I'll go again at 28 weeks and 32 weeks. And then Sasquatch says it's not really necessary, if everything is still 100% good. 28 weeks. That's the next milestone I want to reach. I just realized yesterday I have passed another. I am past 20 weeks now. Caleb is legally a human being now! If I have to go to the hospital at any point now I will go to the maternity triage not the ER. That was a relief to me for some reason because Blaine was just 17 weeks and "not a human" or "not a person" however the gov't and abortionists want to put it. At least now if something bad did happen Caleb's life would be officially recognized. I don't know why that's important to me.
Since the Creme de la Creme I've gotten some new followers. Thank you all for coming over and sharing in Blaine's life with me. Please do not be insulted if I do not return the favour right away. It isn't because I don't care about you or your children. I'm just at a point in my pregnancy where every time I hear about something bad happening I worry it's going to happen to me. I have an anxiety disorder already and a subsequent pregnancy after unexplained loss hasn't helped that any!! When I am confident that Caleb will come home I will certainly catch up on all you and your stories. Hope you understand.

Needed to Rant, Sorry

This may seem like a bit of a rant. It's really come to my attention the past week or so how intolerant I now am about some issues. I no longer have any patience for people who complain about how hard being a parent is. I do not want to listen to idle chit chat about some private nursery school you just "have to" get your unborn child into. I don't care about how much your yuppy stroller costs. I'm fed up with people who would rather work, party, or vacation then spend time with their kids. I don't get the whole "detachment parenting thing" or "training" your baby...just get a puppy! Before you let your child cry themselves to sleep think of how you'll feel if they don't wake up in the morning. I can't go on message boards and listen to non BLM's discuss their pregnancies and how the baby is "annoying them with kicks" or how terrified they are their boobs will sag. If it's too inconvienient to feed and clothe and put your own child to bed when the nanny has the day off, consider how inconvienient it would be if you had to make funeral arrangements. UGH!
Okay, rant done. It's just been building up. I try to stay off the non dead baby parenting sites for this reason. People who haven't lost a child really have no idea how precious that child is. They have no idea how much I would love to be sleep deprived right now. How I would love to be struggling down the street in the snow pushing a cheap stroller. I would love to walk out of the house tomorrow with spit up on my shirt. I wish my house smelled like dirty diapers. I wish my neighbours were complaining about being woken up at 2am by a crying baby. I wish.
I feel like I should have written this entire post in capitals!

Always Remembering

Day off work today, whoo hoo! And to my delight, Abby had school. So I got to run some errands. Picked up my Christmas present from another BLM at the post office. It is a beautiful framed photo of Blaine's name with a poem. Bought a scrapbook for all of Blaine's name photos. Bought Abby some silly bands. Then I had to buy Caleb something so I actually bought an outfit. I was so hesitant to buy it wondering what I would do with it if he died. But it's so cute and has monkey's on it so I couldn't resist. Having three kids is kind of expensive! lol but it was nice to do that. I've been working on the DBC blog (and neglecting my own). I'm trying to update the directories, if you have any suggestions please let me know. I feel like I'm just writing the same things here. My grief and my fears. It's kind of repetitive at this point. That's why I stopped writing everyday. Not because I don't think about Blaine everyday or because I am trying to forget but because I find I'm just writing the same things over and over. My husband and I were on a "date" the other night and we inevitably ended up talking about Blaine. I said even if we wanted to forget Abby would never let us. She mentions him everyday. If we do something for her she automatically includes him. We were making cookies yesterday and she suggested we decorate one for her, one for Blaine and one for Caleb. How did I get so lucky to have a daughter like this?
One decision we've made which I am super excited about and can't wait for is coming up this summer. We were discussing the possibility of taking the rest of Blaine's ashes (that didn't fit in my pendant) and scattering them up at Papa's house. Papa came up with the suggestion that instead we plant a tree for him. We can bury the rest of the ashes with the tree. I've picked out a beautiful tree called a "Tulip Tree" or it's other name "Yellow Poplar." It grows leaves with little flowers on them every spring and in the fall the leaves are a beautiful yellow. It grows to be about 70 feet tall but is not too wide. I know exactly where I want to plant it. And hubby says we'll also get a little plaque for it so everyone knows who's tree it is. I felt so happy to have Papa suggest this because as noted before Christmas was a bust with no one mentioning Blaine. But his Papa came up with a great idea for him so that made me feel pretty good. One day the house up there will be ours and we will most likely grow old there after retirement. So, while I may not get to be an old lady sitting on her porch watching Blaine's kids run around, I will get to be an old lady sitting on her porch watching Blaine's tree blossom.

The Best and the Worst

Well 2010 is over. Not quite out with a bang but gone none the less. So far 2011 is looking good! lol Too soon to tell I guess since it's only day 2. 2010 will always be remembered by me as a bittersweet year. A year of great joy and great sorrow. I feel like I'm starting a Dickens novel, "it was the best of times it was the worst of times." 2010 was the year I gave life to two children. 2011 will decide if I bring one of them home. It was the year I hit the lowest point I ever thought I could hit. I never thought in my life I would walk into a complete strangers office and fall apart so completely. I never thought I'd be one of those people who had to take time off work for mental reasons. I never thought I'd eagerly wait by the phone for someone to call me to tell me my son's ashes were ready for pickup. I remember these things like they were yesterday. The Thursday nights from Hell. Hubby would be at baseball and I'd put Abby to bed and I'd sit in front of the computer and cry and scream and shake. Those first few months I just kept everything bottled in all week. Pretended to be "over it" and back to normal. But every Thursday night I'd allow myself that release. Reading blogs and poems and songs about loss. I remember those nights like they were yesterday.
2010 was also a year of blessings though. After every storm there is a rainbow after all. If I ever doubted my husband's love for me that doubt was erased. He held me together so many times. His love for me and all his kids is something I am so grateful for, everyday. In 2010 I got pregnant with Caleb and as I type this I can feel him squirming around in there. 2010 was the year we took Abby to Disney. We walked into Disney exactly one week after I delivered Blaine. Strange thing to do but oddly helpful. Watching a 5 year old in total awe and wonder makes crying and sadness almost impossible. Watching her go down the water slide at the hotel was worth every penny spent on the trip. In some ways 2010 was one of the best years of my life. I learnt so much about life, family and myself. While I'm glad it's over it will certainly never be forgotten.