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I've been having a really hard time writing this week. I've got a swirl of emotions around me but I can't sit down and type. I think I've taken a thousand pics of Caleb. I still can't believe he's real or that this will last. I've had to take a break from reading a lot of blogs because everytime I see a picture of a dead baby I see his face. He looks up at me and he smiles this big smile ear to ear and I know if anything happens to this boy I will follow him. Even more than it was with Abby my life is now connected to his. Talk about putting a lot of pressure on your son. I just hope I can get past this before he's old enough to wonder why his mother is so crazy for him. I'm really really trying to focus on all of the positive and not live in fear. Breastfeeding is going very very well, he is a great eater and latches like a champ. Abby is off school and we are having a great time. Took some field trips last week with her karate camp. It's such a joy to watch her play and she gets off a ride and yells "that was awesome!" She is awesome! I am blessed to have two beautiful kids here with me. I just have to relax and enjoy it instead of worrying that each moment may be the last.
Abby has been talking about death a lot more since my parents dog died a couple of weeks ago and a police officer was killed at that sametime and it was all over the news. She has been comfortable with the topic since we explained Blaine's death but now I wonder if she's a little too comfortable with it. She has this image that all of these dead people and animals are just up there in Heaven playing ball together. The police officer is there with Blaine and Suzy (the dog). Oh and Tuna our dead piranha! Apparently in Heaven fish can catch. I love that she groups everyone together but I worry about it. Yes, I know, I worry about everything.