So, my mood has pretty much plummeted. I am feeling much more anxious and depressed lately. I have been missing Blaine so much. I am reliving everything, down to his birth/death to how I felt in the immediate months after. I'm not sure if this is solely because I am off the meds or if it's partly because his anniversary is coming up. I have been really sad and anxious these past couple of days. My instinct to wrap myself around Abigail and protect her has gone into overdrive. I'm seeing dangers at every corner. It doesn't help any that I had a big fight with my mom on the weekend and work has been a nightmare this week. It's like our entire group at work fell apart this week. That and the "men" on our team seem to have a) forgotten that they are men not whiney little girls and b) forgotten how to do their jobs. So, me the 7 month pregnant woman is having to pick up the slack. 18 work days until mat leave! That is all that's getting me through at this point. If I had anymore time than that I would probably go on sick leave. It's that bad. It also doesn't help that my going off the meds coincides with Abigail leaving daycare and so many 1 year anniversaries. The 1 year anniversary of my ultrasound with Blaine has just passed, March 5th. It was the time he waved at the screen. The time I got to see him playing around. So little and yet so active already. I hate leaving Abby with my in laws for such long periods of time. I want her to have a relationship with them but don't want her to be anything like them. If that makes sense. They're not bad people they just have no common sense. They'd see nothing wrong with feeding her junk all day, they've taken her in a cab with no carseat, they take her around their family who I don't like at all and I never know what exactly they're doing because they're so secretive. My sister in law and mother in law are the only people in my husband's family we associate with and that's fine with me. I always feel so anxious when she's with them though.
I'm just starting to get together the stuff I need to make memory boxes for Blaine's anniversary to donate to the hospital. It's so sad doing this. I really want to do these boxes but it is just so overwhelmingly sad. I am having a rough time with it. I seem to be having a rough time doing anything now though. I'm crying over songs again. I cried the other day because I had a flashback of walking into our bedroom that night and looking at my husband and saying "I'm bleeding." Everything is just coming back and I wonder if I ever felt any better or if it was just the drugs masking the sorrow. I thought I had made some progress but I really feel like I did last June before I went crazy. I guess time will tell. I have to remind myself that I am going through a lot physically, mentally and physically right now. I'm also going through a transition from working mom to homemaking mom. I'm also planning for a new arrival at the same time reliving anniversaries of the arrival who didn't get to stay.
5 comments:
I read this and was nodding my head yes. Yes - you are going through a lot. A lot of changes happening now, about to happen, anniversary dates, work stress, pregnancy, grief... And then I hear the question in your post that you're wondering if you're feeling "normally" overwhelmed and/or if it's due to being off the meds. And while I can't answer that, it does sound like there's a lot going on right now. And perhaps your post hits home for me as I'm coming up from some down days. I reminded myself that pregnancy can be/is overwhelming at times during the best of circumstances, and being a BLM doesn't create the best of circumstances.
I hope you can find the time to do whatever it is you need to do to take care of you (so much easier said than done, I know).
Love to you.
You have made alot of progress, meds or no meds. I think it is only natural to have times like this. No matter what you have right now, Blaine will always be missing and it is inevitable that that fact will come and kick you in the butt sometimes. Add to that the hormones and the stress at work and the stress of Abby's care, it's totally understandable.
Just take things one day at a time. Things will get better. I've noticed that Mom's who have recently had their rainbow babies have alot of joy, but their sorrow comes back, stronger than it was in awhile, because now they see exactly what they missed with their lost baby. I bet that is part of it too.
Thinking of you and sending you hugs.
I remember the days leading up to the anniversary were a lot harder than the actual day itself and right now, you have a lot of things going on (in addition to hormones). I hope it gets better and I hope the days lead to less anxiety. Maybe it will help without the stress of work once you're on your leave. Thinking of you. ((((HUGS))))
Oh Honey, I know. April 13 is creeping up and I feel it too. It is this heaviness that last week I could not put my finger on. Now I know what it is.
Hugging you from afar...and praying deep healing prayers of comfort and strength.
Jen
Sweetie, it sounds to me like you are very pregnant and have a TON on your plate right now. That would cause ANYONE to go off the deep end a little. I went through it too just before Christmas. Our little girl's due date was Dec. 1 and I literally thought I would loose it before the date came and went. That combined with loosing my job, stress from the holidays, trouble with my oldest son...yeah. It got a little nuts. Hang in there. You can do this! Remember to take some time out for YOU. Take your DH and get away...even if just for an evening or a few hours. Sending hugs your way!
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