Older and Wiser

Growing up I always had a timeline. By 25 I expected to have my first child and I was indeed pregnant when I was 25 although Abby came at 26. I thought I'd have 4 kids by the time I was 35. I have two kids, one living, one dead, plus I had an ecotopic pregnancy and am now pregnant again. So I guess I am on schedule with that as well. Today I turn 32. This is the first birthday I've had where I can say, yes I do feel older and wiser than the last birthday. I have learnt a whole array of things this year, some good and some bad. Most are lessons I thought I'd get to skip in this life. I feel I've aged 10 years in 2010, physically and mentally.
This year I have learnt that I can overcome almost anything. I've looked into the face of insanity and walked away intact. I've learnt that the people who love you aren't necessarily going to be there for you when you hit rock bottom and that the people you never expected will step up and take your hand. I have learnt that nothing compares to the loss of a child, not a scorned love or loss of a friend or cousin or uncle or parent. It is a grief that swallows you whole. Not an hour of the day goes by that I don't think about him. Not a night goes by that he is not in my dreams. To truly move on from grief you need to accept and focus on the positive. But even now that I am able to do these things and able to live a somewhat normal (or NEW normal) existence I am still a BLM. Forever being Blaine's mom means that I will forever be a Dead Baby Momma. This year I have learnt that that is not all bad. While it's not something I'd willingly choose it does come with hope. It comes with a community of love and support. Like this world has never seen. I imagine what us BLM's could accomplish if we all put our heads together! I've learnt the internet is not all evil. That in your weakest moment you can hit google search and find support and love and friendship. I will never take that for granted again and I will always be thankful that I had those resources. I've learnt that my husband is a great man and a great father. I've learnt my daughter is one of my heroes, so strong, so sweet, and the most faithful person I know. I've learnt that God really does love me. I've learnt that if I lost everything in this life I would still have Him, I would have enough.
I have a new timeline now. But it's just one year. By 33 I plan on having a second living child. I will be stronger and happier and even wiser. I will live each day of the next year like it's my last and enjoy the moments I have with my family and friends. I will continue to marvel at all of the things a 5 year old can teach me about life and love. I will continue to care for my son and keep him an active part of our lives.