Waves of Emotion

Today the bitterness has really sunk in. I found myself wondering how many zoloft it would take to put me in a coma for a week. (no I am not suicidal) I can't function today and today is only day one of what looks to be a week from hell. Today is 5 months since Blaine entered the human world dead. Or at least I think he was dead, wouldn't know since I didn't even look at him. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Saturday is D day. Today was brutal. There were no shining moments. Just a ball of bitterness and anger. And of course there were preggos everywhere. Everywhere I went. Can they not take one day off? And you know what is going to happen? I've realized I'm going to spend all week wondering if I'm pregnant and then AF is going to come on Saturday. You know she's like that. If she comes this month I'm welcoming her with a bottle of tequila. Today was the first day since I've been on my meds that I've had chest pains from anxiety. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and scream but I can't. I don't want to make any decisions this week. I don't want to think about anything else but Blaine. I want to feel close to him this week. I hope his urn arrives before Saturday. I got incredibly bitter today thinking about all of the abusive mothers out there who don't deserve to conceive children. I was just walking along and these thoughts came in my head. All of these horrible people who should be dead themselves never mind out there breeding while my son lies in a box in ashes. Literally in ashes. I've thought all day I should pray and ask God for some strength but I don't know if I want to. Not this week. This week I want to feel it. I want to feel the pain and the anger and the raw grief. I want to look like I just got hit by a bus. I want to have sleepless nights. I want to suffer. I can't explain why it just feels like I should. How dare I have any good moments this week. I don't want Him to take my pain away. Not yet. I need it this week. I need to feel B with me this week and the pain is one of the few things I have left. Hubby and I had a bit of a bickering. We were in the store trying to decide what to have for dinner and he says "get something to make you feel better." And every inch of me wanted to scream, "oh, I didn't know a microwavable dinner would bring B back to life!!" I didn't and insisted he pick out something for dinner because my brain is jelly right now but he wouldn't. Ugh!!! I know he means well and I love him for caring about me so much but stop asking me what's wrong. It is always the same thing. My son is dead. That's what's wrong. That's what was wrong two months ago and a day ago and 5 years from now. Life is wrong.