Blaine is Still With Us

I thought I'd just quickly check my email.  I never check my email when I'm at my parents house but it had been a couple of days, I just had my coffee and Abby was playing contentedly.  A quick email check.  I opened my email and the first one I noticed was from a name I didn't recognize and the subject line was simply "Blaine."  I figured it was another BLM who was sending me a surprise name photo.  I opened it and started to read and then 5 little words popped out at me "Blaine is still with us."  I reread that line over and over.  How can this be?
Backtrack for those of you who have not read our story.  When Blaine was born we walked away without him.  Because of baby killing laws in my country you don't have to make funeral arrangements for babies born under 20 weeks.  With me being in shock I had no idea what to do so we just left him at the hospital.  I regretted this decision immediately.  I spent the next few months desperate.  What happened to him?  Where was his body?  Every time I looked at the smoke stack that sticks up from the hospital I wondered if he had been burned with the medical waste.
I got in touch with a woman named Cyndi from a local bereavement group.  She did her best to try to get me any information, an u/s photo, photo of his body, anything.  And then, like manna from Heaven, my own personal miracle came in the form of an email, from a nurse at the hospital.  Forget the parting of the red seas, this was bigger than walking on water or turning water into wine.  For an "unexplained" reason Blaine had been embalmed in a jar in the lab at the hospital and then forgotten about.  4 months later he was still there.  Yes, if you were wondering, babies under 20 weeks who are not taken home are disposed of with the medical waste.  Not at the hospital, they are taken off site.  I found this out after I had him back.  This unfortunately happened to a family I met in the bereavement group.  But Blaine had been "missed."
These 5 words probably saved my sanity.  I have no idea where I would be mentally right now if I had found out he had been disposed of with someone's infected liver.  I have to credit Cyndi who worked so hard to help me and then Shelly at the hospital who found him and contacted me.  The funeral home was amazing, so caring and compassionate.  I had to make all of the arrangements myself, the funeral home manager was the one who came with me and stood beside me as I viewed Blaine's little body in his beautiful white casket.
My husband, Cyndi, Shelly and the funeral home manager all tried to figure out why Blaine was still there.  Not that any of us were complaining but what happened?  I didn't care.  I, like Tebow, am not afraid to bend a knee.  I know whose work this was.  God kept Blaine there at the hospital until I was ready to meet him.  He knew his plans for me, not to hurt me but to make me prosper.  (Jeremiah 29:11)  He knew as I stood looking at the little body that seemed to have just fallen from my womb that one day I would need this.  That one day returning my son to me would return his daughter to Him.

Lil Angel Hankie

I just got this in the mail today!  I totally forgot that I requested it, can't even remember when I did.

It's this great group called "Little Angel Hankies"

It is so beautiful.  They are hand stitched and made by request for free for baby loss parents.  I am a huge fan of theirs.

My favourite part of the included poem is

"I love him as much as I love my new son
He made me a Mommy, though his time was cut short."
by Tricia Pyatt, who does the hankies.

For free!!!  If you know me you know I loathe anything that profits off of our loss.  This is an incredible gift for parents but of course donations are welcome since this is all being done by hand and mailed.

I love it, love it, love it!!

Right Where I Am, 2 years, 1 month, 13 days

I have been going back and forth about linking up with Angie @ Still Life With Circles for this year's Right Where I Am linkey doodle.  Here is my post from last year.  I just couldn't decide if I had it in me.

Where am I...a pretty good place.  I think, as good as it's going to get.

Most days I don't have the slightest inkling of depression, guilt or regret.  Some would chalk that up to having had another child.  I am one of the lucky ones who got pregnant again quickly and successfully.  Personally, I don't think that's it though.  I made a decision to feel better.  I make a decision everyday not to grieve anymore.  Many will tell you that you will never stop grieving for your child, that everyday you will feel the loss.  That's only true if you let it be your truth.  For me, that wasn't acceptable.  I have two living children who need a complete mother.  So, I decided months ago that that's what I would be.  That's one of the reasons I don't come on here as much anymore.  It isn't because I don't think of B or of the friends I met.  It's because if you surround yourself with sadness you will be sad.  If you surround yourself with loss you will feel lost.  Mind over matter.

So here I am, two years, one month and 13 days later.  I have my moments.  Just had one an hour ago.  Today I've been reliving a good birth experience.  Tomorrow is Caleb's first birthday.  So, all day today I've been thinking of his birth.  Then an hour ago, I flashed back to Blaine's.  How different it was.  I cried.  I felt that surge of guilt and shame.  But I recovered.  I pushed the negative thoughts out of my head.  That's an ability I didn't have last year.  Last year and the year before I couldn't for the life of me will myself better.  But now I can.  Mind over matter.

This is right where I am,  the Mother to three beautiful babies.  Two who walk with me and one who soars above me.  But not forever.  I don't need to "grieve" because I've "lost" Blaine.  I haven't.  He may soar above me now but it's not forever.  Someone has promised me something and I know he keeps his promises.  He's promised me that there will be a reunion.  And while I'm not the most patient person and I do find it very difficult to wait for something that I really really want, I will keep this in mind...earthly pain is temporary, children are not lost to those who are found.

Mother's Day Post @ The DBC

http://deadbabyclub.blogspot.com/2012/05/mothers-day.html

Back to Work

Tomorrow is a big day for us, back to work!  If you are on my FB friends list you know I've been going on and on about this for weeks now.  So sad to leave my little man.  And Abby as well although she's at school all day anyway so it won't be as big a deal to be away from her.  Caleb and I are still nursing though and we have daily smooching sessions and naps and playdates.  There will be lots of tears this week I'm sure, for me and him.  He's never been away from me for more than 5 or 6 hours.  I know I just have to suck it up and eventually we'll adjust.

One thing I forgot to mention about our trip.  As I was finalizing the packing the morning we left I realized I hadn't thought of Blaine's ashes and "things."  Was I just going to leave them here alone?  I couldn't fathom the idea and yet I didn't really want to bring two boxes of stuff with me.  I desperately called another BLM that lives fairly close, Kai's mom Akemi, and asked if they could babysit.  Actually I got her husband and after a complete emotional breakdown, asked.  They did and he spent a week with their little guy Kai.  I can't believe I didn't think of it until the last minute and was so glad that I had someone close by that I could trust with him.  It was a weird experience going through my phone list and thinking "ok, who will do this without thinking I'm nuts?"  All the more reason to make some IRL BLM friends.

New Directions?

I am at peace.  Life is good.  If you had told me two years ago that this would be my life right now I wouldn't have believed you.  I didn't think I'd ever laugh again without a tear in my eye.

The lessons I've learnt over the past two years are priceless.  We, as BLM's have a long list of cliches which we loathe to hear.  "It was God's plan."  "Everything happens for a reason."  "He's in a better place."  Hearing things like this from strangers or worse, loved ones is like a slap in the face.  But what I have realized over the past two years is that they are true.  I would still never say them to someone whose just lost a baby.  It's something I came to believe over a lot of time, meditation, prayer, tears and talks.  I look at how I've changed and how my life has changed and I know Blaine's little life was not in vain.  I still don't pretend to have all of the answers and I still think it's wildly unfair but I'm okay with that now.

I have been wondering a lot lately about the direction to take my life now.  Do I continue to blog on occasion and keep this place for Blaine?  Do I turn it into a family blog and go private to share with family and friends?  I have learnt that I love writing and so I don't think I can give it up completely.  Then there's the DBC blog.  I hate to let it go but I really don't have much to write anymore or a lot of time to do it.  Stats tell me that people are still here, still reading, still discovering the blogs.  (would it kill you to comment!?!?!  lol)  I wonder how many are newbies.  How many have just lost their children recently and are hitting the internet, just like I did, looking for support and friendship.  I feel like I need to do something, anything.  I can't be one of those that healed and then left.  I feel like even if I just make a tiny tiny contribution at least it's something, at least it may comfort one momma.  I know I'm rambling.  Any ideas for me?

Two Years

Here is the cake we got for Blaine's birthday while we were away.  Just something simple and sweet.