I am at peace. Life is good. If you had told me two years ago that this would be my life right now I wouldn't have believed you. I didn't think I'd ever laugh again without a tear in my eye.
The lessons I've learnt over the past two years are priceless. We, as BLM's have a long list of cliches which we loathe to hear. "It was God's plan." "Everything happens for a reason." "He's in a better place." Hearing things like this from strangers or worse, loved ones is like a slap in the face. But what I have realized over the past two years is that they are true. I would still never say them to someone whose just lost a baby. It's something I came to believe over a lot of time, meditation, prayer, tears and talks. I look at how I've changed and how my life has changed and I know Blaine's little life was not in vain. I still don't pretend to have all of the answers and I still think it's wildly unfair but I'm okay with that now.
I have been wondering a lot lately about the direction to take my life now. Do I continue to blog on occasion and keep this place for Blaine? Do I turn it into a family blog and go private to share with family and friends? I have learnt that I love writing and so I don't think I can give it up completely. Then there's the DBC blog. I hate to let it go but I really don't have much to write anymore or a lot of time to do it. Stats tell me that people are still here, still reading, still discovering the blogs. (would it kill you to comment!?!?! lol) I wonder how many are newbies. How many have just lost their children recently and are hitting the internet, just like I did, looking for support and friendship. I feel like I need to do something, anything. I can't be one of those that healed and then left. I feel like even if I just make a tiny tiny contribution at least it's something, at least it may comfort one momma. I know I'm rambling. Any ideas for me?
2 comments:
I think you have to follow your heart. Maybe you will still want this place for Blaine and another private blog for your family? What about trying to find another contributer for the DBC blog since you aren't feeling inspired to post there, maybe there are others who would like to, especially if you are finding that it is a place that people are still reading. Just some thoughts! I am glad you have found this place of peace. I too am finding it to be easier in so many ways. I have heard many BLMS say that it doesn't get easier over time, yet I think that it does. I think it's all in your perspective and how you choose to process your loss and move forward in whatever way you can. Sure, I still miss my babies terribly and I wish that I'd never been through this, but I have survived and I know that I am a better person for it and for them being in my life. I think it also helps to truly believe that I WILL hold them again someday...that gives me so much hope. Hugs to you Elaine!
My vote - please keep on blogging here (or somewhere else for me to connect with you)! :) I know my blogging really ebbs and flows these days, but I still love connecting with my fellow BLMs that I "met" in the earlier months after Acacia's birth and death. And I understand the questioning about what to do with this space. I've had similar thoughts with my blog. But I keep writing and reading from time to time because I like and appreciate the connections.
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