What a Difference

We are back from our trip.  It was awesome.  Of course being in that familiar place brought a couple of horrible memories back.  As we drove by the rest stop on the highway where I passed a big blood clot and wondered if I was going to hemorrhage; as I used the bathroom at the pool and went into the same stall I used to cry in; as I ordered a drink at the bar where I once had to suck in my tummy; as I walked around Disney and said things like "last time we were here."  There were moments but all in all it was a fantastic trip.  I got to do all of the things I couldn't do last time and this time with a beautiful, loving little man.
We celebrated Blaine's second birthday while we were there.  We were with my mom and sister in law and neither of them said a word about it all day, even after I brought a cake home with his name on it.  Not surprised.  Blaine's life and death has nothing to do with them so why would it warrant a mention?  It didn't make me bitter I just rolled my eyes and let it go.  Hubby and I talked about him a lot throughout the day.  He had good dreams of him that night, I had nightmares.  We got a yellow and white Mickey and Minnie cake and I had his name written on it.  How much is Blaine talked about in my in laws family?  My husband's 15 yr old nephew didn't know who he was.  He asked me as I was cutting the cake.  It was the first he had heard the name.  Sad sad sad.
I wanted to do name photos at the beach but didn't have time, didn't even get a chance to do Blaine's.  I'll have to do some around here for the mommas I had mentioned it to.
Caleb took his first steps!  I loved watching him play on the beach, at the pool, on the carousel at Disney.  He and Abby had such a good time and made me feel so blessed to be there with them.
We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary while we were there.  We went out for dinner and drinks and mini golf.  I think I fell for my husband all over again on this trip.  Just watching him play with the kids, listening to him talk about "our boy" Blaine, spending quality time hanging out with him and laughing.
This is my last week of maternity leave.  Next Monday at this time I will be sitting at work.  I am so sad.  I hate the thought of leaving Caleb.  I think I've found a good daycare for him but no one will be as good as me.  He and I are so bonded.  Our bond may be so strong because we've breastfed almost exclusively this whole time, co slept and cuddled.  I really think it's because he was sent here to heal me.  Since he was in the womb he has known when I've needed him, he kicked when I got anxious, he played when I felt sad.  And now that he's here he knows when I need a big hug and kiss, he has an instinct about my moods.  He is my medicine.  We are both going to miss so much when I'm at work.
I want to write more about the two year mark but I think this is long enough, maybe tomorrow.  And I'll put up a pic of Blaine's cake.