Some Sad News and 30 Days of Questions 16-17

A policeman was killed here yesterday morning. I didn't know him but it is all over the news. He was 32 years old, a husband and a father. His second child was only 9 weeks old. It makes me really sad, especially since his death was so preventable. I didn't watch too much of the news report because I find the news depressing. I just kept thinking though while I was watching, where is his mother? A policeman, a husband, a father, a brother, a man but most importantly a son. Somewhere out there there is a woman grieving the loss of her boy. That is all I can think of now when I see a man has died or been killed. How is his mother going to go on? I hope she has other children, I hope she has a supportive family.



Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Holy picture requests! I'll skip that one.

Someone I would want to switch lives with? No one I can think of. I'm pretty content with most of my life and the parts I'm not content with I wouldn't wish on anyone else. I know my hubby would probably say I'd switch with Johnny Depp's wife or something but I wouldn't. I'm happy as I can be. Of course I wouldn't mind switching wallets with some of those people for a day!

A Mother Torn in Two

I just found this on the Kota Loss and Compassion site... this is it...

No Choice
by Wendy Plumley

My eyes are swollen
beyond capacity
from unshed tears.
My heart is numb
and I am broken
from one
too many blows.


I refuse the pain,
and therefore
dare not cry,
lest I dissipate
in the salty torrent
of anguish,
without hope of
ever resurfacing.


Gasping for air,
I must fight
the towering
waves of grief
that threaten
to engulf me.
For once so lost
it is impossible
to return.


No cut
or wound
could hurt
more deeply
than this
devastating
loss.


So understand
I do not cry,
because she needs me.
My body will cling
to a precarious sanity
and remain,
though my soul
has long fled
this treacherous world
because I need him.


A mother, torn in two.


In the author's words
The above poem was written for a mother who struggles to remain in this world for her young daughter, whilst all the time dreadfully missing her son.

30 Days of Questions 13-15

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

I will skip 13 for now because I really have to think about that one. And 14, I think I've posted enough pics! And I realized I look really fat in pics right now and hate it! I'll post a pic in 6 months.

Day 15 : 10 songs

Rain Down on Me
Arizona Dust
Iris
Man in the Mirror
Rest
Angel
Wavin Flag
The Dance
Is it You
Big Dumb Rocket

30 Days of Questions 10-12

Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

I listen to the same music regardless of my mood. My playlist is very mixed with lots of types of songs from happy to sad to raging to excited. I do find music to be very soothing and even when I'm raging and put on a raging song it usually calms me.

Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one

I met a BLM from the Grieve Out Loud penpal program and she encouraged me to write. I discovered the blogs when I googled "pregnancy loss" and stumbled across a blog.

30 Days of Questions - Day 9

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days

BREASTFEEDING!! It aint easy sisters. My nipples look like someone went at them with a cheese grater. But breast is best and Caleb loves it. He would take the boob over a bottle anyday. As soon as he was born he found my nipple and stayed there for almost two hours. When I pump and give him the milk in a bottle he always fusses a little at first. He knows where he wants to eat. I'm proud that I'm sticking with it instead of giving up although I've had the urge to do that more than once.

Budgeting. I've finally worked out a budget for myself for my mat leave and our trip next year. Hopefully I can stick with it.

Fears and 30 Days of Questions

My fears are pretty much off the charts right now. I'm so afraid that Caleb is not yet safe. That I'll never stop worrying about something happening to him. I really only feel safe at home with him. When we go out around other people I focus on what diseases he could catch or what some freak on the street could do. I know I have to start focusing on the positive and not the negative. I can't live my life like this and I don't want to raise my kids in that kind of emotional enviroment. To my credit I have been able to control my anxiety and not let it affect Abby. I let her do lots of things that scare the crap out of me and I just hide it. I have a breakdown now and then around hubby but other than him I don't think anyone would know how anxious I am. Not just since Blaine either, I've always been like this. It's just worse now because now I know the worst can happen to me! I'm not immune to it like I wanted to believe. The problem is I'm not sure how to get rid of the anxiety. Meds help to some extent but not completely. I know that's what the doctor would suggest since I've had post partum depression twice and been medicated both times. Problem is they help with the physical effects like panic attacks but they don't take the thoughts away. And therapy didn't either. I hate sitting and telling someone what my fears are because I know they sound ridiculous and far fetched. I'm not convinced it is PPD and not just generalized anxiety. I have it most of the time not just after birth.
Any tips anyone? If you could say a little prayer for me that I'll figure this out that would be much appreciated. Would rather figure out how to handle it or get over it without resorting to anti anxiety meds.



Question 7: Short Term Goals for this month and why?

1. to continue breastfeeding - that is my biggest goal and I'm setting it a month at a time instead of saying "I'll breastfeed the whole time I'm off work." I'd like to do that but don't want to set myself up for failure.


2. to get back into a workout routine - my big goal is to be at 150 pounds by New Years so that's about 50 pounds or so I have to lose in 6 months. More than manageable.


3. to start eating healthier. We tried to do a clean grocery shop this time around and I only allowed myself one treat, peanut butter filled pretzels. Now, I just have to stop it with the iced coffees everyday!.


4. to work out a plan for treating my anxiety - see above

A picture of someone/something that has had the biggest impact on you -

my family.