Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel (s)?
I have an older child and a rainbow. They see Blaine's name all over the house. They attend baby loss events. They are free to talk about him and hear us talk about him. My daughter has some of his name photos in her scrapbook. She knows what my pendant necklace is. I don't hide anything from them because I want him to be a part of their lives and I want them to grow up knowing what loss is like and what normal grief looks like or I guess, how normal grief is.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Update on CarSeat Law! And Days 8 & 9
As I said Friday I immediately emailed our Ministry of Transportation re: the carseat in taxis law or lack thereof. They responded and I was actually right. So, I'm correcting my correction! It is legal for a taxi cab operator to drive children in the car without a carseat but it is not legal for the adult with the child to not have a carseat. The onus is on the caregiver/parent.
"The driver of a taxicab while transporting a passenger for hire is
exempt from having to provide a child safety seat.
Those using the service of a taxi cab are NOT exempt from using a child
safety seat. It is the caregivers responsibility to ensure the child is
properly secured.
We thank you for your inquiry and encourage you to contact us in the
future as we continually strive to improve our service to our customers."
So, what do I do? Take photos of the parents and send them to child services?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Yes. For the first few months it was the opposite but now I am definitely happier than I was and although I have random moments of sadness throughout the day I am never overwhelmed by it.
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
My daughter seems more sensitive now, she is more interested in babies, she talks a lot about death and Heaven and God, she always points out when we pass a cemetary, she knows the names of my BLM's children. I think it has affected her in a positive way. She knows the world can be a sad place and she knows sometimes life cannot be about her. I know when she is a woman if tragedy were to strike her or her friend or family member, she will be the one who knows what to say and do.
"The driver of a taxicab while transporting a passenger for hire is
exempt from having to provide a child safety seat.
Those using the service of a taxi cab are NOT exempt from using a child
safety seat. It is the caregivers responsibility to ensure the child is
properly secured.
We thank you for your inquiry and encourage you to contact us in the
future as we continually strive to improve our service to our customers."
So, what do I do? Take photos of the parents and send them to child services?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Yes. For the first few months it was the opposite but now I am definitely happier than I was and although I have random moments of sadness throughout the day I am never overwhelmed by it.
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
My daughter seems more sensitive now, she is more interested in babies, she talks a lot about death and Heaven and God, she always points out when we pass a cemetary, she knows the names of my BLM's children. I think it has affected her in a positive way. She knows the world can be a sad place and she knows sometimes life cannot be about her. I know when she is a woman if tragedy were to strike her or her friend or family member, she will be the one who knows what to say and do.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Day 7
Day 7: Do you do something to honour your angel (s)? If so what?
I write about him. I talk about him. And more importantly I do what I can for others. In Blaine's name I try to do what little I can to make other parents feel supported throughout their loss. I hope that when they think of me they think of Blaine. I hope I can show that I would have been a great mother to him.
Correction to yesterday. I guess riding in a taxi without a carseat is now legal. When someone took my daughter in a cab without my consent I had looked it up and found that carseats were required. Now that is not the case. So, legally you can endanger your child's life. It begs the question, do some parents only take good care of their children when the gov't tells them they have to? In Ontario it's the law that you are not allowed to smoke in a vehicle with a child under the age of 16. Does common sense have to be dictated by law? Trust me when I say I have already emailed the Ministry of Transport re: the carseat issue and will be doing everything I can to have this law amended.
I write about him. I talk about him. And more importantly I do what I can for others. In Blaine's name I try to do what little I can to make other parents feel supported throughout their loss. I hope that when they think of me they think of Blaine. I hope I can show that I would have been a great mother to him.
Correction to yesterday. I guess riding in a taxi without a carseat is now legal. When someone took my daughter in a cab without my consent I had looked it up and found that carseats were required. Now that is not the case. So, legally you can endanger your child's life. It begs the question, do some parents only take good care of their children when the gov't tells them they have to? In Ontario it's the law that you are not allowed to smoke in a vehicle with a child under the age of 16. Does common sense have to be dictated by law? Trust me when I say I have already emailed the Ministry of Transport re: the carseat issue and will be doing everything I can to have this law amended.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The Dreaded Question From Hell
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
It really depends on who is asking and how much time I have. I hate to ever deny Blaine existed but if a clearly pregnant woman is asking or I'm somewhere enjoying someone else's day like a wedding or shower, I don't want to spoil it. You don't want to tell a pregnant woman you have a dead baby. I know when I was pregnant with Abby and Blaine it would have been the last thing I wanted to hear (well other than "you're having a miscarriage"). I will answer honestly though if I don't care how the other person feels or if it's someone who should know better.
Personally this is a question I will never ask again. I will never put another parent in the position of having to answer. I will also never ask the following: "when are you planning on starting a family?" (they may be trying desperately) or "so you never wanted children of your own?" (who knows how many losses they had before giving up).
On a side note and because my blood is boiling I have to rant about this. Okay yes yes yes, I openly admit I judge other parents. Especially since losing Blaine. No, I am not perfect, I've made mistakes with my kids. Who knows why Blaine died, something I did? Maybe. I don't expect other parents to be perfect but if you're not even going to try then what's the point? What set this off? Seeing another parent get out of a taxi cab with a small toddler and NO CAR SEAT. Yes, it's a taxi but guess what, look up the law, car seats are still required! And even if they weren't why would you not use one because you WANT TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS!! Do taxis have a magical bubble around them to protect kids from injury? Have drunk drivers and speeders and reckless motorists all signed a treaty to steer clear of taxis? Unfortunately this is going to be one of those things where some poor kids are going to have to be brutally killed in an accident before stupid people take notice. I am tempted to call the police and get the number for traffic violations and then call it and report the cab companies every time I see this happen from now on. Maybe I'm overreacting but I'm a little sensitive at the sight of parents playing russian roulette with their kids lives just so they don't have to take the bus.
It really depends on who is asking and how much time I have. I hate to ever deny Blaine existed but if a clearly pregnant woman is asking or I'm somewhere enjoying someone else's day like a wedding or shower, I don't want to spoil it. You don't want to tell a pregnant woman you have a dead baby. I know when I was pregnant with Abby and Blaine it would have been the last thing I wanted to hear (well other than "you're having a miscarriage"). I will answer honestly though if I don't care how the other person feels or if it's someone who should know better.
Personally this is a question I will never ask again. I will never put another parent in the position of having to answer. I will also never ask the following: "when are you planning on starting a family?" (they may be trying desperately) or "so you never wanted children of your own?" (who knows how many losses they had before giving up).
On a side note and because my blood is boiling I have to rant about this. Okay yes yes yes, I openly admit I judge other parents. Especially since losing Blaine. No, I am not perfect, I've made mistakes with my kids. Who knows why Blaine died, something I did? Maybe. I don't expect other parents to be perfect but if you're not even going to try then what's the point? What set this off? Seeing another parent get out of a taxi cab with a small toddler and NO CAR SEAT. Yes, it's a taxi but guess what, look up the law, car seats are still required! And even if they weren't why would you not use one because you WANT TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS!! Do taxis have a magical bubble around them to protect kids from injury? Have drunk drivers and speeders and reckless motorists all signed a treaty to steer clear of taxis? Unfortunately this is going to be one of those things where some poor kids are going to have to be brutally killed in an accident before stupid people take notice. I am tempted to call the police and get the number for traffic violations and then call it and report the cab companies every time I see this happen from now on. Maybe I'm overreacting but I'm a little sensitive at the sight of parents playing russian roulette with their kids lives just so they don't have to take the bus.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Day 5
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminders of your angel (s)? If so what are they?
I'm not a huge believer in "signs" from beyond. Once when I was young, after a cousin had passed away, I was listening to a song from her funeral in my room and the volume literally turned down on the stereo. Like the button actually went to a lower volume. So, do I think they exist, yes. Do I think Blaine is floating around above me waiting for a moment to say Hi Mom? No, I hope not. I don't want to picture him as being in between. I want him up there living the good life not worrying about me. That being said there are some things that make me stop and think of him. A sunflower. Breaking Dawn, yes the book. Bella called her daughter "my little nudger" and that's what I called him when I was pregnant and he was alive and kicking. When I walk past the funeral home or see a hearse or a graveyard or anything related to the funeral industry, I think of him and his brief stint. It seems there isn't a day that goes by that I don't see or hear something that makes me stop for a second, usually with a broken smile and think "Blaine."
I'm not a huge believer in "signs" from beyond. Once when I was young, after a cousin had passed away, I was listening to a song from her funeral in my room and the volume literally turned down on the stereo. Like the button actually went to a lower volume. So, do I think they exist, yes. Do I think Blaine is floating around above me waiting for a moment to say Hi Mom? No, I hope not. I don't want to picture him as being in between. I want him up there living the good life not worrying about me. That being said there are some things that make me stop and think of him. A sunflower. Breaking Dawn, yes the book. Bella called her daughter "my little nudger" and that's what I called him when I was pregnant and he was alive and kicking. When I walk past the funeral home or see a hearse or a graveyard or anything related to the funeral industry, I think of him and his brief stint. It seems there isn't a day that goes by that I don't see or hear something that makes me stop for a second, usually with a broken smile and think "Blaine."
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Day 1 - 4
I am coming to this a couple of days late so I'll do 4 days today. I've decided to be lazy, if the question is already something I've discussed on the blog then I'm just going to refer to that post. Well it isn't just laziness but I thought it would be interesting, especially if the posts were several months apart.
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Who Am I - July 21 2010
I Am - Oct 2 2011
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Abby, my princess, my diva, my twin soul. She has all of my good traits and just a couple of my bad. She never ceases to amaze me with her brilliance.
Blaine, my first born son, my lost one. I know how I picture him and I imagine everyday what he is doing.
Caleb, the new kid on the block, my second son, my rainbow. He knew when to kick and punch to ease my anxiety and now he fills my days with smiles, giggles and hugs.
My ABC's.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"
My husband, my daughter and the those of us in this sad world of mourning mothers (and fathers).
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
I feel like I could give this the same answer as Day 3. Husband, daughter, BLM's. All true. I think what keeps me going somedays though is my faith in God and Heaven. My belief that Heaven is a real place and that Blaine is there. "He will not come to me but I will go to him."
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Who Am I - July 21 2010
I Am - Oct 2 2011
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Abby, my princess, my diva, my twin soul. She has all of my good traits and just a couple of my bad. She never ceases to amaze me with her brilliance.
Blaine, my first born son, my lost one. I know how I picture him and I imagine everyday what he is doing.
Caleb, the new kid on the block, my second son, my rainbow. He knew when to kick and punch to ease my anxiety and now he fills my days with smiles, giggles and hugs.
My ABC's.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"
My husband, my daughter and the those of us in this sad world of mourning mothers (and fathers).
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
I feel like I could give this the same answer as Day 3. Husband, daughter, BLM's. All true. I think what keeps me going somedays though is my faith in God and Heaven. My belief that Heaven is a real place and that Blaine is there. "He will not come to me but I will go to him."
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I Am
I am a mother and a wife
I am a friend, a daughter, a cousin, a sister
I am a knitter and avid tv watcher and player of games
I am a writer and reader
I am a lover of good wine and cheese
I am so many things, different things to different people in all different places
But this month, October, I am one thing more than all the others
I am a face
One face among many
I am the face of a mother whose child has gone on before her
I am the face of a mother who carries her child around her neck instead of in her arms
I am the face of a mother who beat the statistics but not in a good way
I am the face of a family who will always be missing someone
I actually don't believe the 1 in 4 statistic. I think it's probably closer to 1 in 3 or even, as one doctor said, 1 in 2. 1 in 4 are the reported miscarriages, stillbirths and infant loss. But what about the unreported. Women who weren't sure or didn't know they were pregnant or who miscarried early and never told anyone? And what about the babies whose death was not an accident but purposeful? 1 in 4 does not include aborted children, unless they are medical terminations. What about the elective ones?
I hate to use the word Awareness and describe October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am fully aware of more than I ever wanted to know about loss and grief. I don't think we need to make people aware that babies die or that families suffer from it. I think what we need is to make people REMEMBER. Remember my child with me. Remember his life and what should have been. The people we so desperately want to remember our children with us are already aware. For me, October is about remembrance and celebration. Remembering the life I held, the loss I feel, celebrating the love we felt and what the future holds for us.
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