Aha Moment

A mom online wrote this in a letter to her daughter on her blog today, I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it but it made me cry, like hard cry. It was a total aha moment because it sums up exactly what I've been feeling about Blaine and Caleb's arrival. I just couldn't put it into words myself. This idea is what has had me so upset and so anxious about Caleb's arrival. She's talking about how if she had her child living with her friends and family would be swooping in to take care of the 19 month old so she could focus on the new baby. Same way we have endless support of people who will take Abby for us for the day or night so we can be with Caleb. I could literally name a dozen people I could call right now who would take care of Abby for us if we needed to rush to the hospital.

The mom writes:

"And well, my love, you are not on this earth with us, so no one thinks to ask me who will care for you while I focus on being present for this new little, demanding life. No one realizes I need to know you will be cared for – that you will be remembered. "

Whether it's blogging or sending another mom a supportive email or posting on someone's Facebook wall, I do things everyday to keep Blaine in the picture. Same way I sit with Abby in the morning and go over what she's doing at school or making sure she's eating well and that she's clean and dressed properly (she has her father's sense of fashion). Who's going to take care of Blaine when I'm too busy with Caleb or while I'm in the labour? I know that probably sounds strange but I do things everyday to keep him a part of my life and a part of our family. Even if it's just interacting with other BLM's they are sure to remember him because of me. It's all this Momma has. I still have other feelings as well, there are people who just don't deserve Caleb, and there are other remnants of bitterness I carry. As well as the remaining guilt and grief. But this was the biggest thing. It's nice to see it written and to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Still Preggers!

38 weeks this week. Still no arrival. Still having prelabour symptoms but nothing substantial. Had my checkup yesterday, going every Monday now, everything is A okay! Monkey is strong and kicking around in there. I'm doing well also. Just waiting now. My Dr. made the same comment as me, we've been worrying and trying to keep him in there for nine months and now we just want him out. She joked that I would probably now have to be induced after all of that worry over my cervix! It was kind of funny, kind of not. I'm not at the point where I'm going to worry about that yet. I've still got two weeks before my official due date. Now, it's just eagerness. I'm not the most patient person in the world even in the best of circumstances. I hate waiting. If you say you'll meet me somewhere at 2 and it's 2:02 I get anxious. The weather has finally gotten beautiful this week so I am taking advantage and taking long walks. I have a lot of pain "down there" when I walk but the Dr. said that's good. I'm putting the weight and pressure on my cervix which is causing the ligaments to stretch which will help them open up. So today I'm going to walk over to the department store after taking Big Sis to school. Maybe that will start things up.

Today

Today is pretty much what is to be expected. I woke up to a whiney little girl who didn't want to do anything, including give me my Mother's Day card. After a talk with both me and Daddy she settled down a bit. Daddy took her out to the grocery store and they came home and made me breakfast, smores pancakes! While they were out I let myself have a little cry for Blaine. Missing him as usual. I've spent the past couple of hours doing some scrapbooking. Had another little crying episode just now because I got out the scrapbook I've made of his name photos. It's a travel scrapbook and I've put the label on the front that says "Wish You Were Here." That set me off because it's just so unfair that I can't have all 3 of my kids with me. I want Abby and Blaine and Caleb. My ABC's. It's just so unfair. That's really the best word I can come up with right now. I wish he was here.

"I'll never forget the night they came to tell me that you'd be gone, I wondered where the light would come from now to carry on." Jim Cuddy, Second Son

Funny how that song reminds me of both my boys. They both almost seem like the second son. But then again everything still makes me think of Blaine.

Mother's Day and Other Ramblings

I read "Heaven is for Real" yesterday. Yes, the whole book. It was that good (and small). I've decided to put the cynic in me aside and believe it. I got chills at some parts, especially looking at the photo of what very well could be the face of Jesus. I barely got through chapter 17. It was just so believable and so moving. I love the description of Colton meeting his sister, the one he never knew he had. The one that had died in Mommy's tummy. I loved the way she didn't have a name because they hadn't named her and the way God had adopted her to be his own. Sometimes we have to take a leap of faith and I've decided that I'm doing that with this book. After all Colton does keep reminding us that Jesus really really loves children, so why wouldn't he choose one to be a witness for our generation?




Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I remember last Mother's Day was so strange. I had my Abby so I got my gifts and cards and breakfast in bed. But I was missing my boy. I desperately wished for my hubby to get me a card or something from Blaine but he didn't. I'm sure he thought about it but didn't know if it would upset me. I missed Blaine so much on Mother's Day because it reminded me that I would always have one child missing. I would always be a Mom incomplete. Every special event is tough but to label a day just for Mom's and then to be a Mom with your baby gone just makes this one a little worse. Not quite as bad as Christmas but almost. I saved one of the roses I got last year and dried it and put it with Blaine's things. Just to remind myself that he was here with me in spirit and regardless of the fact that I'll never get a homemade card or potted flower from him or poem with his handprints on it, he is still my boy. I know wherever he is he is loving his Momma. That has to be enough for now. It shouldn't be and really isn't but it has to be.




Here is a nice poem I have with Blaine's things:

A Mother's Day Ode by Susan Mosquera

I am your mother, but you, my child, I cannot hold
It'll get easier with time, or so I'm told
People may forget that I am your mother
I'm part of a secret club we only share with one another
But that doesn't diminish my love for you
I think of you the whole day through
I wonder what you're doing, my Precious Little One
We are connected by an infinite bond, which cannot be undone
I will not let death tear us apart
I promise to always keep you alive in my heart

Happy Mother's Day to all of you.

The Deep End

The Deep End. I've gone off it. I completely had a breakdown yesterday. Cried on and off all day and then really fell apart last night. I honestly don't know why I'm so crazy right now. I guess I can partly blame hormones? Partly blame the fact that everything I'm doing now I should have been doing last August. Anxiety, stress, physical discomfort, lack of sleep? I'm glad I don't have to make any big decisions right now. I'm at a point where I can't even decide what to have for breakfast or lunch. For lunch right now I am having cookies and cream ice cream. Probably not the best choice. I said to hubby last night, "I wish I was the type of animal that could just crawl into a cave by myself and birth the baby." He could be standing guard at the entrance or hunting for food. A huge part of me wants to be alone but then I'm lonely. I'm alone most of the day, even when Abby is home from school she doesn't really need me. She plays or watches a show. I'm just kind of here to get her a drink or a meal. Even if we go out with another mom and kid I feel alone. I can't relate to these other moms like I used to. They ask me about the pregnancy and I have to fluff it up and make it sound normal. I'd empty the park if I actually told people how I was feeling. I feel bad enough unloading it on my hubby because he just wants to see me happy and thinks it's his responsibility to make me happy. And he can't and it's not even that I'm unhappy. I'm everything right now. Happy and sad. I told him last night to just worry about what he wants and what will make him happy. If he focuses on me it could go either way and there's no point in us both stressing or feeling guilty. I have a hope that all of this will go away once Caleb is successfully in my arms. Once I get that positive rush of hormones. I guess if that doesn't happen there's always drugs! Prescription ones of course.

Mixed Bag

I'm feeling pretty much the same these days. Mixed bag of emotions. Still eagerly awaiting Caleb's arrival and wondering how I'm going to adjust and cope. It will be strange to be the mother of a living baby again. I hope I remember how to do everything!
Having some physical symptoms of approaching labour. Nothing to say it will happen today or tomorrow though. Just my body preparing. It feels good (well not physically). It's funny how I'm not at all worried about the pain. I feel like the actual labour will be the least of my concerns. I had a really painful "false" contraction the other night and got really excited waiting for the next one. I'm more worried about my emotional and mental state. I said to hubby last night that I've stopped worrying about Caleb dying before birth. I feel confident he will be born and come home. All of my tests for my weekly checkup yesterday were perfect. He's still kicking up a storm in there. It all looks good. I have shifted my anxiety to after his birth. I thought that this was progress but apparently it doesn't sound like progress to others. He worries that I've just given myself something else to stress about rather than actually stopping the stress. I guess that's true. It's really hard to explain to people how I'm feeling right now though. I don't want to sound bitter or resentful or crazy. A part of me wishes we had gone to that subsequent pregnancy group and that I could hear some other Mom's talk about having the same feelings. Right now I don't know if I'm just being a bitter barbie or if what I'm feeling is common.

The Shower

Yesterday was Caleb's baby shower. It was a day of very mixed emotions for me. About 14 people came and we had a great time with lots of food and games. We received some really nice gifts for Caleb and I only have a little more shopping to do now to get all of his needs. Here is a pic of me cutting my stork cake. It was made by a family friend. It was really cute and she also made me two diaper cakes.



I was on the verge of tears for part of the party and luckily was too busy to really dwell on what or who was missing. I kept it together really well and didn't fall apart until after my hubby got home and I was telling him about the party. There was really only one person who insisted on making the "second child" and "first son" comments. I just kept my mouth shut. I don't know that she was doing it on purpose, doubtful, she's just a little insensitive and self absorbed. But when she started listing all of the grandsons in the family and omitted Blaine I finally had to say something. I just looked at her and said "In this house we count the dead one." So then she said "oh yeah and Blaine." Everyone pretty much just looked down at their plates. I don't know what was worse...Blaine being omitted or Blaine being an "oh yeah and..." I think it was just yesterday or the day before another BLM was discussing on her blog how much do we expect our family and friends to remember about our babies or to commemorate them. I have given up most expectations. I have had to come to the realization that outside of my little family Blaine was just not that significant. Yes, everyone felt bad for US but they didn't know him or love him like we did. That being said though, in my house, he is counted. If you walk into my house you recognize him. If you can't recognize Blaine then don't bother to recognize Abby or Caleb either. If one is not your family then none of them are your family. We five are a package deal.



My best gift received yesterday was this card:






This was from my friend Kaili, who wrote "your second baby boy." I didn't really read the cards thoroughly as I opened the gifts and thank God for that. As I sat reading them later in the night I noticed what she wrote and burst into tears. I'm sitting here in tears right now. I can't look at it or read it without crying, good tears. Joyful tears. She is the only one who included him. And this little card is the best thing I received yesterday. I absolutely love it and will most likely frame this little card. I'm still deciding whether it should go in Caleb's memory box or Blaine's.

I woke up at 4am yesterday after a pseudo nightmare. I dreamt I had Caleb and all of these people came to the hospital to visit him. I didn't want anyone near him. I closed the curtain around the bed and just held him tight and cried. "Why don't they remember your brother?" "Why didn't they come for Blaine?" I kept asking and crying. Then I woke up and realized horribly that this dream will probably come true. And so, I cried myself back to sleep. It continues, the emotions of having the rainbow baby. Not quite knowing how to come to terms with the fact that I am madly deeply in love with a baby who is only here because another is not.