To Ellen

 How do you keep it together?? Sometimes when I think I've got it under control, I burst into tears again. How do you do it??

Ellen, I still sometimes burst into tears.  I still can't control it at times.  That pain never ever goes away.  It just becomes a part of your life.  I can talk frankly about Blaine now, about the labour and death, without crying or tearing up.  It probably seems to people that "I'm over it" or that it's not a big deal to me anymore.  That's the opposite.  It still is but it's just become such a part of my life.  I think I kept it together because I had to.  I am lucky to have an older child who needed me and a husband who was really really supportive.  Without that I don't know how it would have turned out.  I had to keep going because I was needed.  I took the time I needed to get past the worst of it.  I had people in real life who supported me in different ways.  I went to a therapist and a psychiatrist and took meds for awhile.  I took some time off of work.  I did what I needed to do regardless of what anyone else may have thought.  Plus, I had all of the friends I've made online.  My sisters who lost babies within the same 4 or 5 months.  That is the key, finding peers who have been there or who are there.  People you can message or email and tell them a crazy thought you had or let them know you can't stop crying today.  The best part of that is, they are probably feeling the same way at that moment or felt that same way yesterday.  It's exactly the kind of support you need.  Please email me if you ever want to talk, lilyorange2@yahoo.ca.