I was talking to hubby last night about how we really should be planning a one year old's birthday party right now. Blaine was due Sept 18th 2010. If he were anything like his monkey brother he might have come Sept 19th. That's a Monday this year, we would have the family over that day, nothing big, a cake for him to smash up and make a mess with, some presents, balloons, pizza, that kind of thing. And then I realized, something we've both been thinking of for the past 11 weeks...there would be no Caleb. We can't have both. If Blaine were with us, Caleb would not be. In order to have Caleb, Blaine has to be dead. I think it would be easier sometimes not to believe in souls. To believe that any baby is any baby. There is no "Blaine" just a dead baby and then we got another baby. But that's not what I believe. I believe that little lost boy had his own soul and would have been his own man and have his own personality. He's gone and now there's another little man here, completely different. I love Caleb with every fibre of my being. So, this is the toughest part for me. I don't feel guilty for loving Caleb as much as I do. I just feel strange. That I get to love this little monkey because my son died. I don't know what to do with that. Hubby says Blaine died so we could have Caleb. I said, maybe Caleb has something important to do in this world, cure a disease or something. So, Blaine had to go for Caleb to be born to us so that he could do what he has to do. The morbid thoughts and rationalization of babylost parents. Anyone out there reading this? Have you had a rainbow? How do you deal with this realization?
3 comments:
I have been reading blogs from parents with rainbows and a lot of them have been writing about this exact thing lately. How the baby in their arms, that they love so much, wouldn't be here if the baby they love and miss everyday hadn't died. It is a strange place to be in. I won't be in that place with Jacob since I could have him and a rainbow by now, but I'll have it with the twins if I get pregnant again soon. It doesn't feel like it will have the same weight though, as it would have with Jacob, but I might be wrong.
I guess it is something that will always be in the back of your mind, but hopefully it gets easier with time.
P.S. Your new blog design is really nice.
I thought the same thing about Daniel. He was conceived two months after we lost Vanessa so there was NO way we could have had both of them. She had to go so we could have him...and he is such a joy. What a relief that in heaven I will have them both.
It can feel so complicated. I was just thinking about the timing of my girls again today. Acacia and Allie are about 21 months apart - so I could have had both, but probably wouldn't have (unless an "accident" had happened).
I forget if it was a blog or email I read from another BLM, but what she wrote has stuck with me - it was something along the lines of not trying to make sense of it all. That simply, she is the mother of all of her children. And that all of her children are special. I don't know - I'm sure she was much more eloquent than that, but it's stuck with me. I am the mother of Acacia and Allie - it's just the way it is. You are the mother of Blaine and Caleb. It's not easy, but it is.
Love to you!
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