I really have no reason to be lonely. I am surrounded everyday by people who care about me and only wish me the best. But I can't shake that feeling. Maybe it is because my EDD is approaching and I am not pregnant, not with Blaine and not with Pheonix (what I call my rainbow baby). I went out Tuesday night with a friend for wine and dessert. It was really really nice. Just two moms chatting about work and kids. Even Blaine. She even toasted to him which I thought was really sweet. And she didn't act weird when I teared up. And she didn't cringe when I said "dead baby." I had lunch with two work friends yesterday and when I mentioned Blaine they got quiet and put their heads down. I know there's a huge difference between work friends and real life friends so I didn't expect to have the same conversation with them. But I didn't expect them to get so uncomfortable. When I mentioned my daughter they asked me questions and wanted to know all about her. Well that's not far. If you don't want to hear about one of my children then you can't ask about either of them. All or nothing. We had our group therapy Wednesday night and it was nice. I got to tell them all about Blaine's ashes and one mother asked me to describe them to her since she has her daughter's ashes but has never opened the box. I described them in great detail just like a proud mother would describe her beautiful child. So, in general I had a pretty decent week but can't seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. Maybe this weekend at my father in laws will help. It's such a calming enviroment. This morning I've been working on feeling closer to God. If anyone can cure my loneliness it's him. I've always liked songs that remind me of God but are contemporary pop or country songs. This morning I've been thinking of this one by Miley Cyrus (eye roll inserted here).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wxOVn99FTE&ob=av3e
4 comments:
It's easy to feel lonely, even with all these other mommas to connect with. I am finding this month, the expected birth month, hard as well.
Elaine, could you email (melissamterrill at gmail dot com) me your address? I have something to send you and the BLM address I'm using keeps saying it's the wrong postal code. It might just be the program I'm using but I want to make sure I have the right address. =)
I also feel lonely most of the time, even though I am rarely actually alone and am usually with someone who cares about me and Jacob. But I feel like no one knew Jacob as well as I do and they can't possibly understand the pain I feel, even my husband.
I love that your friend made a toast to Blaine and didn't feel awkward when you teared up and talked about him. There are so few people who are like that.
Sometimes being in the largest crowd, being with people who love and care about you, and being surrounded by friends, can still be the lonliest place of all. I hate that you are feeling lonliness, and I wish I could be there with you. We could talk about Blaine and Bailey and all of our hopes and dreams we had for them. Because, I think we could probably talk for hours, days, weeks, months about our babies, our pregnancies, their lives, their deaths, and everything we wished for them.
I'm glad you have friends as kind as the one who made a toast. True friends are so hard to come by.
I hope this weekend was a good one. I hope it was filled with warmth and love, and I hope you are feeling better.
Sending you love and hugs!!
What a wonderful friend. I'm so glad you have her, lonliness is such a hard thing. Sending care and comfort.
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