Coming Clean

***Warning if hearing of pregnancy is going to upset you then don't read this***


When I started this blog it was to deal with all of the grief I felt over losing my son. I have always been brutally honest, even at times when I probably sugar coated it. But that isn't me. I'm not a sugar coater. If you ask me what the dress looks like on you and it makes you look fat I will tell you you look fat. This honesty has lost me some friends in the past. I guess the reason why I haven't felt like writing too much this week is because I have been keeping a secret. Partly out of fear and partly because I love the BLM's so much and don't want to cause anyone to have an ouch moment. But if I'm going to continue to blog then I have to talk about this.
I am exactly 6 weeks pregnant as of today. I am terrified. And I am really sick!
I'm not really scared of losing the baby now (well I am but not totally)...I am scared of the 12 to 28 week period. Based on my history, two pregnancies, one living child, I feel my chances are pretty much 50/50. There is a 50% chance this little beanie will make it and a 50% chance he/she will not. I am trying to live each day at a time. Every morning I get up and say a little prayer for my Beanie. Every night I thank God for one more day with my Beanie. It's all I can do at this point. I hate feeling nauseaus but when I don't feel nauseaus I think "oh great the baby died." I'm much more calm than I thought I would be but there's still that nagging worry. That voice that says "don't tell everyone you're pregnant cause you'll have to tell them all when the baby dies." I've decided not to tell anyone at work, my two closest friends there know and Monday I will tell my supervisor and manager but everyone else can figure it out on their own. I've told some friends but not all. My Mom is under strict orders not to tell the entire family yet. Although I'm pretty sure she's disobeyed me already. I am watching the other preggo BLM's very closely now. If things go well for them then I have a green light too right? If things go south for one of them I will probably pack a miscarriage bag for the hospital just to be prepared.
And then there's Blaine and Big Sis. I know it's silly to think Blaine will think I'm trying to replace him. He doesn't have those thoughts. And we haven't told Sis yet because I don't want her to get so excited and then find out the baby died again. But then on the other hand I don't want her to miss out on the excitement either. I really don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
I know I can't spend this pregnancy doing things out of fear. I have to enjoy it like I would if I didn't have a dead baby. But if I didn't have a dead baby I wouldn't be pregnant. B was it. Two kids, unless we won the lotto.

About My Girl

I was going to write about how good I've felt lately but I almost don't want to jinx it. I've had a couple good days like this before and then crashed so who knows how I'll feel in a couple of days or weeks or hours. It's that tentative. I'm feeling pretty crappy physically. Really lethargic and like I'm getting a cold. I'm going home to bed after work which is a good excuse to blog now!
Finally picked up B's urn on Wednesday and filled it on Friday night. Been wearing it ever since. I love it. It's actually a bit heavy but there's something symbolic about the weight around my neck. My daughter is jealous that I'm wearing something for him and not her. We have matching heart necklaces so I'm going to have to put my heart pendant on with B's pendant and wear them both. Have to be fair.
I'm feeling very thankful today, for my online sisters, for my IRL friends, for my husband who is so understanding and supportive, even when I snap at the slightest thing. And especially for my little girl. I don't know if I would still be on this Earth if I hadn't had her to come home to on April 13th. I am so overwhelmed by how much she loves her little brother. A brother she never got to meet or hold or look at. And yet she mentions him everyday. He's the first person she prays for at prayer time. She tells everyone about him and she's not shy at all. Even if I wanted to forget about him she'll never let me. I'll tell her, "you know you're my favourite girl" and she'll reply "and Blaine's your favourite boy." or I'll say "I love you to the moon and back" and she'll say "and Blaine too." I love hearing her talk like that and I hope she does forever. Yesterday in church they were giving the children's story before Sunday School and they were talking about how Edison tried 5000 times to perfect the lightbulb and the teacher said "how do you think he felt after the 4999 time?" and my darling daughter yelled out "he's tired!" lol everyone laughed. That's her...big mouth, big personality, big beauty.

In Photos

Blaine's resting, forever at my side

My joy!

From Jessica

From Melissa

Sunflower in Henna

One Lovely Blog Award

thanks to Melissa for choosing my blog for the award!! Here are the rules:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

Sorry I could only choose ten as I love way more than ten!!

1. Valentina in the Sky

2. Our Journey to Bailey and Beyond

3. In Memory of Jacob

4. Little Bird

5. The Root of all Evel

6. Loving Henry (my first penpal!!)

7. The Dead Baby Club

8. A Rainbow and My Butterfly

9. Hello Goodbye

10. On KK's Butterfly Wings

Finding a Balance

I hate when I have nothing to do at work except think. I almost always end up thinking bad things. Not good.
I'm taking a little break from reading new blogs. I'm still reading the ones I've always read but I'm not adding any on. Partly because I've been so exhausted when I get home at night that I can barely stay awake through dinner. And secondly I need a break from hearing more heartbreaking stories. Before Blaine I had no idea how many different ways a baby could die. And to be honest I wish I was still that naive young woman who thought pregnancy meant life. Don't get me wrong I love my sisters that I've met and all of Blaine's Buds. But I wonder if I continue to read story after story how will I ever stop worrying? I have this idea that I need to start filling my mind and heart with positivity, a strict diet of positive thoughts. One of the first verses I memorized post Blaine was Phillipians 4: 6-8...it ends like this "whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things."
So, I am left to wonder what I should do. I can't leave the community because it sustains me in some pretty rough moments. But I need to focus on health and love and a good outcome. What is the balance?

Trust More and Fear Less

I am a huge fan of anything written by Max Lucado. I've yet to read one of his books that does not speak to me. He's the author version of Blue Rodeo in my life...every song has it's purpose. After I had my daughter I was diagnosed with post partum depression and anxiety disorder. I was able to control it without medication right up until I lost Blaine. I am now being medicated but I know that is just a band aid. I have to actually fix the insides that are anxious. The things I fear I cannot control. I cannot control whether my daughter will be kidnapped and tortoured to death. I cannot control whether she will get a disease and die. I cannot control whether I am blessed with another living child. Yet I still fret constantly about these things. Think or the worst horror movie you've seen and I've imagined that happening to someone I love. That's the main reason why as big a horror movie fan as I am I can no longer watch them. Since I had my daughter I can't sit through it without picturing her. I really don't want to be medicated for long. So, I'm trying to get my way back to the point I was at pre Blaine, when me and J.C. talked and I felt calm and more at ease (never completely but manageable). When Blaine died the first book I bought was "Fearless" by Max Lucado. I read it but didn't absorb it. It was too soon and I couldn't focus. Now I can and I'm working my way through it. What I'm working on right now is following the 7 steps to relieve yourself of the anxiety. This is in chapter 4 of the book and the acronym is aptly named "P - E - A - C - E - F - U - L" oh I love you Max!! Here is a brief rundown of each letter P = Pray First; E = Easy Now; A = Act on it; C = Compile a worry list; E = Evaluate your worry categories; F = Focus on today; U = Unleash a worry army; L = Let God be enough. This is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to give my worries to God and let him take care of them. I know he will. Since I started reading the book this time around I've actually felt a calm come over me. I'm still nervous but I haven't been catastraphizing on a daily basis like I used to. I haven't been planning that perfect bomb shelter I'll build when I win the lotto! I'm feeling much more positive and I'm confident that whatever comes my way I think I'll get through it. Me and J.C.
"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So, don't be troubled or afraid." John 14:27 NLT

Nothing Can Seperate Us

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, , nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 38, 39
posted today on Pray Date

Today has not been as bad as I thought it would be. Took my daughter to Karate this morning. Caught up on some shows I missed this week (thank goodness for pvr's) and had a nap. Bought a single sunflower at the flower shop and my daughter picked out a pink butterfly magnet. I'm having a friend over for dinner tonight and hubby is cooking a roast and all the fixins. She's bringing cupcakes. I sent my sister (not the evil one from FB who is my half sister but my stepsister who just had the baby) a copy of Blaine's footprints and memorial card. She texted me and said "thanks for the picture of my nephew." She called him her nephew!! I teared up of course. It was so sweet. It did make me feel guilty for not contacting her and asking about the new baby. I'll have to pick the baby up a little gift and let her know I'm thinking of her.
My biggest disappointment this week was that my pendant urn has not arrived in the mail yet. I really wanted to be wearing it by now. Hopefully it gets here Monday. I really don't need the drama if it gets lost in the mail or something.
Tonight I will be lighting a candle for my boy. And one for all of the other babies in Heaven who are keeping him company until Momma gets there.