New Directions?

I am at peace.  Life is good.  If you had told me two years ago that this would be my life right now I wouldn't have believed you.  I didn't think I'd ever laugh again without a tear in my eye.

The lessons I've learnt over the past two years are priceless.  We, as BLM's have a long list of cliches which we loathe to hear.  "It was God's plan."  "Everything happens for a reason."  "He's in a better place."  Hearing things like this from strangers or worse, loved ones is like a slap in the face.  But what I have realized over the past two years is that they are true.  I would still never say them to someone whose just lost a baby.  It's something I came to believe over a lot of time, meditation, prayer, tears and talks.  I look at how I've changed and how my life has changed and I know Blaine's little life was not in vain.  I still don't pretend to have all of the answers and I still think it's wildly unfair but I'm okay with that now.

I have been wondering a lot lately about the direction to take my life now.  Do I continue to blog on occasion and keep this place for Blaine?  Do I turn it into a family blog and go private to share with family and friends?  I have learnt that I love writing and so I don't think I can give it up completely.  Then there's the DBC blog.  I hate to let it go but I really don't have much to write anymore or a lot of time to do it.  Stats tell me that people are still here, still reading, still discovering the blogs.  (would it kill you to comment!?!?!  lol)  I wonder how many are newbies.  How many have just lost their children recently and are hitting the internet, just like I did, looking for support and friendship.  I feel like I need to do something, anything.  I can't be one of those that healed and then left.  I feel like even if I just make a tiny tiny contribution at least it's something, at least it may comfort one momma.  I know I'm rambling.  Any ideas for me?

Two Years

Here is the cake we got for Blaine's birthday while we were away.  Just something simple and sweet.

What a Difference

We are back from our trip.  It was awesome.  Of course being in that familiar place brought a couple of horrible memories back.  As we drove by the rest stop on the highway where I passed a big blood clot and wondered if I was going to hemorrhage; as I used the bathroom at the pool and went into the same stall I used to cry in; as I ordered a drink at the bar where I once had to suck in my tummy; as I walked around Disney and said things like "last time we were here."  There were moments but all in all it was a fantastic trip.  I got to do all of the things I couldn't do last time and this time with a beautiful, loving little man.
We celebrated Blaine's second birthday while we were there.  We were with my mom and sister in law and neither of them said a word about it all day, even after I brought a cake home with his name on it.  Not surprised.  Blaine's life and death has nothing to do with them so why would it warrant a mention?  It didn't make me bitter I just rolled my eyes and let it go.  Hubby and I talked about him a lot throughout the day.  He had good dreams of him that night, I had nightmares.  We got a yellow and white Mickey and Minnie cake and I had his name written on it.  How much is Blaine talked about in my in laws family?  My husband's 15 yr old nephew didn't know who he was.  He asked me as I was cutting the cake.  It was the first he had heard the name.  Sad sad sad.
I wanted to do name photos at the beach but didn't have time, didn't even get a chance to do Blaine's.  I'll have to do some around here for the mommas I had mentioned it to.
Caleb took his first steps!  I loved watching him play on the beach, at the pool, on the carousel at Disney.  He and Abby had such a good time and made me feel so blessed to be there with them.
We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary while we were there.  We went out for dinner and drinks and mini golf.  I think I fell for my husband all over again on this trip.  Just watching him play with the kids, listening to him talk about "our boy" Blaine, spending quality time hanging out with him and laughing.
This is my last week of maternity leave.  Next Monday at this time I will be sitting at work.  I am so sad.  I hate the thought of leaving Caleb.  I think I've found a good daycare for him but no one will be as good as me.  He and I are so bonded.  Our bond may be so strong because we've breastfed almost exclusively this whole time, co slept and cuddled.  I really think it's because he was sent here to heal me.  Since he was in the womb he has known when I've needed him, he kicked when I got anxious, he played when I felt sad.  And now that he's here he knows when I need a big hug and kiss, he has an instinct about my moods.  He is my medicine.  We are both going to miss so much when I'm at work.
I want to write more about the two year mark but I think this is long enough, maybe tomorrow.  And I'll put up a pic of Blaine's cake.

Happy Resurrection Day!!

This is the day.  The epitome of our faith.  If we didn't have today we would be like every other religion.  Because of today we grieve but it is not a hopeless grief.  I do not need to wonder where Blaine is or what happened to him when his heart stopped.  Because of today I know.  Because of today I will hold him and love him and hear him call me Momma. 

He is risen, He is risen!! 

Abby and I were talking about Heaven today and what we think is being done up there to prepare for our arrival.  We both agreed that Blaine must be very skilled at something.  Maybe he's a great painter or carpenter or landscaper.  That's why he was needed so soon, why he didn't have time for an earthly stopover.  Abby says he's probably getting the pool ready at our house! 

So Happy Resurrection Day to all of you.  Even though your babies are not in your arms I hope you take comfort in knowing that they will be one day.

From Jesus' Burial by Max Lucado

But then, Sunday arrives. And with Sunday comes light—a light within the tomb. A bright light? A soft light? Flashing? Hovering? We don’t know. But there was a light. For he is the light. And with the light came life. Just as the darkness was banished, now the decay is reversed. Heaven blows and Jesus breathes. His chest expands. Waxy lips open. Wooden fingers lift. Heart valves swish and hinged joints bend.


And, as we envision the moment, we stand in awe.


We stand in awe not just because of what we see, but because of what we know… We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us” (Rom. 6:5–9 MSG).

Birthday Celebrations

"If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore."  It Will Rain by Bruno Mars

It's starting again.  The time when I can't hear or see anything that doesn't remind me of Blaine.  Two weeks from this Friday and we will be at 2 years.  2 years.  I remember how slow that first year went.  I thought life would never move on, that I would be stuck there forever.  The second year has moved much faster.  And I have had so much joy and happiness in it.  I still cry but not everyday.  I still wonder why.  I haven't had any moments of rage lately.  Today sort of but it was fleeting.  It's hard to be sad around Caleb.  I started crying today listening to this song and to another but Caleb immediately came over and smothered me with kisses.  I am healed in so many ways. 

We are going back to Florida for another family vacation soon.  The same vacation we had planned when I was pregnant with Blaine, the one we left for three days after.  Driving the same roads, staying at the same resort, shopping and eating at the same places.  A lot about that trip is a blur to me.  I look at the photos and I think I faked a smile pretty well.   I do remember certain things very vividly.  Mostly the sad moments.  I remember the bathroom stall at the pool that I used to go and cry in.  I remember sucking in my gut when I ordered a pina colado so that no one would think I was pregnant.  I remember how bad the cramps got while we were shopping, so bad I thought I was hemorraging.  I remember driving there and making a mental note of all the hospital signs we saw just in case something else happened.  What I remember the most was the sense that I had forgotten something.  When I packed, unpacked, when I walked into a room, when we drove somewhere.  I kept thinking to myself "what did I forget?" 
I have to admit, I'm incredibly nervous to go back.  I really didn't want to but hubby insisted on this vacation spot.  I'm afraid I'm going to be miserable going back there.  I was talking to my friend on the phone the other night and she said that she thought it would be good.  That I would be going back and creating good memories to replace the old.  I'm trying to look at it from that perspective.  I'm really scared though that it's just going to be another week of faking it.  Faking smiles to cover the fact that I am nauseaus and sad and angry.  Plus, we're going with my mom, my sister and law and her two kids.  Talk about stress! 

And then there's Blaine's birthday to contend with.  Obviously I will want to do something.  But what?  And how am I going to feel that day?  It's hard enough to plan a living child's birthday party! 
If you have read this far then you are a true friend!  lol   The problem with taking a break is that when you do write you have a lot to say! 

My Two Cents

I don't know if I actually expect anyone to read this as it's rather long winded but I had to get it off my chest!  If you do read it you will probably disagree with me.  Feel free to comment either way. 

Surprise surprise another article has been published admonishing the lives and grief of the baby loss community.  This one was written by Anne Kingston and published at Macleans.ca.  Here is the article

http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/02/29/the-mourning-after/

The gist of the article is that there is a growing trend of fetus fetishizing.  Women who miscarry are grieving very publicly at the risk of making others uncomfortable and at the risk of delaying their own healing process.  Good God, even Jayz mentioned a miscarriage in a rap song!  I can almost forgive him for closing down an entire hospital wing so his child could be born without interruption.

I think the first thing we need to do is take a step back and realize why this article is being written at this time, in this culture.  I cannot be the only one who realizes that this is part of the movement to squash the reopening of the abortion debate.  In the US the abortion debate is in full swing.  In Canada there are inklings that it will be.  The only reason articles like this are being written, the only reason the way parents grieve is being judged, is because pro abortionists do not want to admit that there is life before birth.  It is a fetus, a sac of tissue, as one woman put it on a FB group, "an abortion is like exfoliating, you don't cry over dead cells."  If an abortionist were to admit that yes, these are children, loved and wanted, at any gestation, then how would they say it was okay to end their lives?  They can't admit that.  And so they go on the attack, belittling and berating grieving parents.  How dare you grieve and cry over something that never really existed?  That is the point of view that articles like this are coming from.

For me, this is a personal attack.  My son was 17 weeks and 3 days gestation.  Under the laws of the land he was not a human being.  He deserved no gov't birth certificate or death certificate.  To the public he quite simply did not and does not exist.  If I had not claimed his body from the hospital and had him cremated privately he would have been disposed of with the medical waste.  Seriously.  I'm not exagerrating.  My hospital release papers said I suffered an "inevitable abortion."  That is what they call a loss before 20 weeks here. 

Another issue the author brings up is having photos around or sending out birth announcements.  I have no photos of Blaine.  I wish I did.  If I did I would probably not share them publicly.  It's a personal decision and I would never judge a parent for doing so.  I think we need to respect the feelings of the parents who want to share their photos and their stories.  But and most people are not going to like this, we also have to respect the people who don't want to see the photos.  Someone wrote on FB that if their Grandmother died they wouldn't remove the photo from their desk at work.  True.  You wouldn't take a photo of her in the coffin though and put it on your desk.  Pictures of dead babies are beautiful to me, they aren't gross, they are sad and sweet and tragic.  Maybe I treasure them because I have none of my own.  I know though that if I did have one of Blaine most people would not feel the same way.  I wouldn't hide it in my own home but I wouldn't send it out to people in a birth announcement and I wouldn't take it to a place of business.  Work is work, not your home.  And yes, it annoys me when people have a million pics of their living kids around too.  "look there's my kid putting on socks" "there's my kid eating a cheerio!"  They're only interesting to the moms!  Some people are not comfortable with death, even some people who have lost a child.  

This article is just part of a growing trend.  As the abortion debate spreads so will the attacks. 
Stop sharing stuff like this on FB.  It hurts people to read it.  I have a pretty tough skin.  You can say whatever you want to me and I will shrug it off.  Others will let it ruin their whole week.  One of my FB friends said she couldn't sleep after reading it.  So, why spread the hate?
Don't try to educate people online!  Haters gonna hate.  I would say, with the exception of the Dr's who perform the abortions, people who are pro abortion are uneducated about fetal development and they are uneducated about abortion methods.  They will never see the other point of view.
You need a place in your life that isn't about loss.  A place that is just about joy and silliness and life. 

No one should be made to feel like their baby didn't matter.  Like it wasn't real, didn't exist.  I didn't exfoliate on April 13 2010, I gave birth. 

A Baby's Secret

I’m just a little fellow
Who didn’t quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
... But I’m waiting for you here.
Don’t you fret about me mommy
I’m of all God’s lambs, most blessed
I’d have loved to stay there with you
But the shepherd knows what’s best.


Many dwellings here where I live
waited years to enter in
Struggled through a world of sorrow
and their lives were marred with sin.


So sweet mommy don’t you sorrow
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom
I went straight to Jesus’ bosom
from my lovely mother’s womb.
Thank you for the name you gave me
I’d have loved to brought it fame
But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows
I’d might instead have brought it shame.

Daddy gave me something for you
It’s our secret mommy dear
He pressed it tight against my forehead
and whispered in my ear.


I’d be waiting for you mommy,
you, and Daddy and my sis.
I’ll be with you then forever
Then I’ll give you Daddy’s kiss.


© Elsie Diamond. All Rights Reserved.
I absolutely love this. It was shared by a FB group this morning called "Grieving Mothers"