Questions

Because I am hooked on this blog now, I find so much inspiration from Angie at Still Life. She had several questions about living children in her post today and offered it up to readers to reply to the questions on their own blog or in the comment section. I've just taken two of the questions which I feel pertain to me.


My question, something that's been troubling me since my son was stillborn last year, is how will I explain this to any future children we're lucky enough to have? I know you have young kids, so I'm wondering how do you explain Lucy's death to them? Drew was our first, so I'm just wondering how I will explain this to any brothers and sisters he may have.

After Blaine died we initially told Abby that the baby would just take longer to get here. I was worried that it would be too scary for her to hear about death. Kids don't really understand time or pregnancy so she bought it. We said, instead of him coming in SK he would come in grade one. This was fine for her but not for me. I couldn't grieve in front of her, I couldn't cry, couldn't talk about him. I realized that if we did this then she would only ever know the next baby. She would never know the baby that died. Blaine would never exist to her. Also, what would we do with the things that have his name on them? She would eventually say "who is Blaine?" And then we'd have to admit to lying. After a good long long talk with a wonderful woman named Cindy from a bereavement group I decided it was best to tell her. We did and she took it fine. She was 5 at the time and most 5 yr olds have a remarkable ability to just see things as is. She didn't cry she just said "I'll see him when I go to Heaven." End of discussion. Now, she talks about him all the time, blows bubbles up to him and wishes he could come visit. She doesn't seem scarred by it or upset at all. It is just a part of our life. Even though Caleb is only 13 weeks I have already talked to him about his big bro. He will grow up attending baby loss events, he will hear us talk about Blaine and he'll see Blaine's name everywhere around the house. I don't believe in sugar coating things. I tell Abby the age appropriate truth when she asks me a question. I'll do the same with Caleb.

Do you ever wonder how your life would be different or your grieving would be different if you did not have your little boy? How do you think your pregnancy or more so your birth and alive baby after your loss help you heal or do you think it did help you heal if even in a small way? Do you ever feel like you want another baby because there will always be one missing?

If I didn't have Abby when I lost Blaine I might have killed myself.
After Blaine I desperately wanted to be pregnant again. I waited one month to have a regular period and then we were off. I was one of the lucky ones who managed to get pregnant within four months. Having Caleb now makes the grief different. It is healing but it also brings up some very strange emotions and questions about life and death. Like why him and not the other one? I am loving and adoring a little man that wouldn't be here if not for death. In many ways he has healed us, as one of my friend's said "if he doesn't heal some broken hearts I don't know what will." I have to believe that there is a reason for this. That Blaine left so Caleb could be here. I still miss Blaine and the endless possibilities of what could have been. But now I have Caleb and although my dreams for Caleb are different I have a future to look forward to again.