Grab A Coffee

This could be a doozy...just got back from vacation so I have some things to share, and of course a visit and chat with my mother naturally ends in me needing to rant.




On the left is Abby digging a whole for our shrub and on the right is me at night with the shrub and the outdoor lights we got for it. We decided to plant a shrub for Blaine up north. We buried part of his ashes there. Sissy wanted to dig the hole and put the ashes in so she did. A bittersweet moment for sure. I'm so glad she wanted to participate but of course sad that she had to do something like that. The shrub is a Rhus Aromatica. We chose it because it is very fragrant and so the deer won't eat it. It is green and grows about 1.5 metres. It's leaves will turn bright red in the fall. I thought it would be much harder to leave a part of him up there but it wasn't. As my father in law reminded me, one day I will be up there with my grandkids.
We had a great trip but it's good to be home.
Here's the rant part...when I tried to tell my mom about the shrub on the phone she actually changed the topic to talk about her dead dog and the new puppy she's getting. I don't know whether she is just so ignorant and self absorbed or if she were comparing the two. I lost a child, she lost a dog, must be the same topic right? I was really mad. But you can't tell her that. She is in total denial about the person she is and the mother she is. She pretty much thinks she's perfect and if you try to tell her otherwise you get a huge guilt trip. And then when you bring things up that she's done wrong you get "I don't want to talk about it" or my favourite, she'll just start repeating "whatever whatever" over you so you can't talk. Yes, this is my mother. I don't know why I keep trying. She clearly doesn't care so I'm officially giving up.
I just finished reading "Eleanor Rigby" by Douglas Copeland. A teenager gives up her baby for adoption and years later he finds her. The mother of the girl (grandmother to the boy) says something and it just hit me and made me cry. I love this quote:

"I've also thought about you during the days, too. Usually it's when I'm preparing dinner, and in my head I'm wondering how many portions to make. I'm at the sink peeling potatoes, or maybe it's while I'm ironing a shirt. Don't ask why. I'm standing up and doing something dull with my hands. Leslie and William have kids, but for some reason it's you I've missed. You were the first. I worry about Leslie's kids, but when I think about them, I've never pulled over to the side of a road, out of the blue, feeling like I've been kicked in the chest."

That's how I feel. I worry about my kids; I think about Blaine at the oddest of times like when I'm making dinner or buying Abby new socks; I feel the air sucked out of me when I remember that I don't need to make dinner for him or buy him clothes or prepare him for school.