Swirling Emotions

These past few days have been really emotional for me. I've been on the verge of tears since the candle lighting on Wednesday night. And I've had a couple of moments of bitterness. I was just restruck with the unfairness of it all. It's unfair that instead of buying Blaine presents this year I am lighting a candle in his memory. It's unfair that I have to watch some piece of trash on the subway screaming at her two little boys while I wear mine in a pendant around my neck. I feel lonely. I feel anxious. I can always tell when it's a bad week by my anxiety levels. I had a panic attack on the way to work on Tuesday. I cried at my desk on Wednesday, something which is not easy to do since we all sit right beside each other in little pods without walls so everyone can see what everyone else is doing. So I basically have to pretend I'm rummaging in my drawer for something and wipe my tears away so the guy beside me doesn't freak out that I'm crying. He already worries too much about me. I had irrational fears of something happening to Abby on Thursday and Friday. I am great at catastrophizing as the therapist used to tell me. As excited as I am about Christmas and the new baby I think the emotions of it all have finally gotten to me. I'm just exhausted by the ups and downs. The excitement mingled with fear, anxiety, love, grief, bitterness, joy. It's amazing how you can feel an entire kaleidoscope of emotion all at the same time. The problem with that is it takes a physical toll on you. Your mind can't handle all of those feelings at once. It's not "normal."
Tonight we're headed to a baby shower which I'm actually okay with. The first time I saw this woman pregnant it was pretty tough because she was at 17 weeks and innocently thinking her baby was safe. But I'm okay with it now and I don't think I'm going to have any issues at the shower.
Found out by text the other day that my cousin is having a boy. I was a little sad and teared up, not because I wish she weren't having a boy but because my first thought was how nice it was to find out and how I didn't know for sure that Blaine was a boy until he was dead. I asked her if she would give her boy the name Blaine as a middle name and she agreed! That means a lot to me, his name will live on in our family and one day I will tell his little cousin who he is named after. It's the little things like that that are the most precious to me now. I will never be able to express to her how much it means to me that she agreed to do that.