Today was a big day. I had my 18 week ultrasound today. My plan was to have my doctor write the sex of the baby on a Christmas card and we would read it on Christmas day. But Monkey had other plans. When it was my turn to look at the monitor Monkey decided to moon me. In between two perfect almond shaped butt cheeks there was clearly something dangling! Monkey is a boy!! A stubborn one too, kept moving in the wrong direction and putting his hand up to cover himself so we couldn't get good shots of everything.
I have never felt so much joy to see a penis in my life! That sounds weird I know. I totally would have been happy if I were having a girl, any living child would have been fine with me. There is something special about this baby being a boy though. Not that he will be a replacement for the boy we lost but it does mean that all of the hopes and dreams I had for a son are back. I will get to watch Daddy teach him to play ball and I'll get to dress him in sweater vests and ties! I get to watch Daddy teach him to shave and big sis teach him where to stash stuff she doesn't want Momma to find. I get a daughter in law and maybe one day I'll get to hold my son's son. I always thought I could raise the perfect man, well dressed, well mannered, a true gentleman, strong and sensitive. A momma's boy but a sporty one who's popular and kind. A man who loves his momma, his family and his God. All of those dreams were dashed away but I have hope in them once again.
I have been on cloud nine all day. Even with a bit of a nasty cold. Nothing could have wrecked today for me. Tonight I caught up with some blogs and wept. Tears of sadness and of joy. Joy that my prayers have been answered, and Lisa's! A friend from work who has been praying not just for the baby's health but that the baby be a boy! But there is a sadness for the boy that isn't here, for all of our babies lost this year. The boy who I will not get to share all of the above things with. My first born son. My first dead son. I hope the only child I will ever have to cremate. I wonder if every good thing in my life from now on will be just as bittersweet.
6 comments:
I am so happy for you! I love that monkey was being...well, a little monkey and making it difficult to see things on the first try. Such a spirited little guy already!
I'm glad that you will get a chance to do everything with a little boy that you wanted to with Blaine.
I think things will be bittersweet, at least at first. There will always be a little boy missing on family trips and in family pictures, but of course he will be with you in spirit. It will be a happy life, but a life with someone missing who will always be remembered.
I'm glad you are well on your way to that life though. Little monkey will help so much in the healing and you will be able to see Blaine in Monkey.
yay to a baby boy monkey :)
Congrats on your little BOY! I think this is the year for them, that's for sure!
Oh - congrats!!!! Sounds like Monkey was ready for you to know he's a boy at his ultrasound - given that he flashed his goods so willingly! :)
And so happy for you in your happiness about a boy. Sounds similar to my desire to have a girl. I know my second daughter cannot and will not replace Acacia, but I had been dreaming about what a mother-daughter, father-daughter relationship would be like, and I am thankful (hopeful) that my husband and I will get to experience that.
Just beaming for you! :)
Sometimes it's nice to open the present a little early anyways, right? SOOO happy for you Elaine!
that is so exciting!
Are you going to use Blaine's name as Monkey's middle name?
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