I've Come Undone

I had my first therapy session today. The minute I walked into the hospital I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. I haven't been back since April 13th. The chest pains came on. I wanted to run out the door. My therapist is on the 5th floor. That is the floor my son died on. I hate the 5th floor. I wondered when I was losing him why they would stick me on the 5th floor where the Continuous Care (elderly care) is and the Outpatient Mental Health Clinic is. Maybe they thought I'd snap.

My therapist's name is Dolores. Whenever I hear the name Dolores I think of "She's Come Undone." I liked Dolores as soon as I saw her. She's got this peaceful mother Earth kind of look and vibe. I started crying as soon as she shut the door to her office. And I didn't stop until I got home. I felt safe in her office. Like I could be myself. There are not many places that I feel that. At home, at my parent's home, at my daughter's karate studio (that probably sounds weird but I love that place and the people who run it) and now Dolores's office. I am all cried out but it felt good. It felt good to be sad instead of angry. I am angry a lot but not today. Dolores lost a baby too. It's nice to have a professional who can not only tell me something she read in a book but who has lived it. I don't think I could take advice from someone who hasn't been here.

I have to start making decisions and focusing on what will help me heal. Decision number one: I am taking some time off of work. For now two weeks. We'll decide again after that. It's going to be a pain cause I will have to fill out some paperwork I'm sure. I know they're not going to be happy about it. But I have to get rid of one of my stressers for now and focus on me. I have to focus on breathing. I don't breath very well these days. I feel like I have asthma but I don't actually have asthma. So for the next two weeks the only work I'm doing is breathing.