Yesterday was my daughter's 5th birthday. We had a great time, big party with all of her friends and family. Everyone had a great time especially Abigail. But of course there was something missing. As there will always be from now on. I bought my son a yellow balloon for the party. I kept thinking I shouldn't but I had too. Don't buy the balloon, you were only 17 weeks pregnant get over it already. You never even held him. Move on. I guess I'm a little angry with myself. I only made it to 17 weeks, why wasn't my body stronger? Why couldn't I save my son's life?
I put two yellow candles on her birthday cake. Two pink ones for her, two yellow one's for Blaine.
I wanted to sign her birthday card, "love your little brother Blaine." But she doesn't know we had a boy. She doesn't know she has a brother in heaven. She still thinks I'm pregnant. Almost every night she still hugs my belly and kisses it and give the baby raspberries. The first time she did it I screamed inside my head in pain. Last night when she did it I was mad, not even at her, more at myself for failing her, failing her Daddy, failing Blaine. I wanted to tell her, he's dead Abigail he's dead stop kissing my belly. But I couldn't hurt her, I can't break her heart. She loves the baby so much. We couldn't tell her there's no more baby to love. I can't tell her I lost her brother. I lied to her. Five year olds have no sense of time. I just told her that instead of having the baby in September the baby was going to take longer, I would have the baby next year sometime. She accepted that. I asked my husband the other night "what if we can't have another baby?" "what are we going to tell her?" We're not worrying about that right now, well I'm pretending to my husband that I'm not worrying about that right now.
When am I going to stop analyzing every move I make? Every feeling I have? Time isn't healing me.
Who knew the purchase of a yellow birthday balloon could bring up so much pain and so many questions?
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