Contradictions or a Lesson in Hate

Lately I am full of contradictions. At one moment something really pisses me off and in the next moment I'm wondering why it hasn't happened again. I don't know what I want or what I want to do. Here are some of my contradictions...

I hate it when people ask me how I'm doing but then I wonder why no one asks me how I'm doing. (did they forget already?)

I hate getting that pity look when people turn there head sideways like a puppy dog and say "aaww I'm so sorry" but then I hate it when everyone around me acts like nothing has happened. (hello dead baby over here!!!)

I hate being home alone and my husband is at work and my daughter is at daycare but I hate going to work and pretending to be "normal" for 8 hours and I'd rather be at home.

I hate it that I have to start seeing a therapist but I can't wait for my first appointment. (she will of course have all the answers to all my problems and will prescribe me a magic potion to make me pregnant)

I hate it that I'm trying to get pregnant again but I can't wait to get pregnant again.

I hate that I don't trust God to protect my kids anymore and I hate that in the end he is the one that comforts me the most.

I hate that I cry and I hate the days I don't cry. (how dare I go one day without this sorrow hanging over me)

Hate hate hate. I am trying not to feel so much hate. But with grief comes great anger and bitterness. I have so many things in my life to feel joyful about. Most days I am overwhelmed with panic and anger. I can't tolerate anyone or anything. I'm snapping at people at work. I'm tired. I'm beaten down and I'm mad. The only time I don't feel like this is when me and my husband and my daughter are all home together and I feel relatively safe. The rest of the day I am a time bomb. God help you if you say or do something stupid in my immediate vicinity. Luckily I am a very good actress so you'd never know unless I told you. I should get an Oscar for the performance I've been putting on these past two months.