Questions

Because I am hooked on this blog now, I find so much inspiration from Angie at Still Life. She had several questions about living children in her post today and offered it up to readers to reply to the questions on their own blog or in the comment section. I've just taken two of the questions which I feel pertain to me.


My question, something that's been troubling me since my son was stillborn last year, is how will I explain this to any future children we're lucky enough to have? I know you have young kids, so I'm wondering how do you explain Lucy's death to them? Drew was our first, so I'm just wondering how I will explain this to any brothers and sisters he may have.

After Blaine died we initially told Abby that the baby would just take longer to get here. I was worried that it would be too scary for her to hear about death. Kids don't really understand time or pregnancy so she bought it. We said, instead of him coming in SK he would come in grade one. This was fine for her but not for me. I couldn't grieve in front of her, I couldn't cry, couldn't talk about him. I realized that if we did this then she would only ever know the next baby. She would never know the baby that died. Blaine would never exist to her. Also, what would we do with the things that have his name on them? She would eventually say "who is Blaine?" And then we'd have to admit to lying. After a good long long talk with a wonderful woman named Cindy from a bereavement group I decided it was best to tell her. We did and she took it fine. She was 5 at the time and most 5 yr olds have a remarkable ability to just see things as is. She didn't cry she just said "I'll see him when I go to Heaven." End of discussion. Now, she talks about him all the time, blows bubbles up to him and wishes he could come visit. She doesn't seem scarred by it or upset at all. It is just a part of our life. Even though Caleb is only 13 weeks I have already talked to him about his big bro. He will grow up attending baby loss events, he will hear us talk about Blaine and he'll see Blaine's name everywhere around the house. I don't believe in sugar coating things. I tell Abby the age appropriate truth when she asks me a question. I'll do the same with Caleb.

Do you ever wonder how your life would be different or your grieving would be different if you did not have your little boy? How do you think your pregnancy or more so your birth and alive baby after your loss help you heal or do you think it did help you heal if even in a small way? Do you ever feel like you want another baby because there will always be one missing?

If I didn't have Abby when I lost Blaine I might have killed myself.
After Blaine I desperately wanted to be pregnant again. I waited one month to have a regular period and then we were off. I was one of the lucky ones who managed to get pregnant within four months. Having Caleb now makes the grief different. It is healing but it also brings up some very strange emotions and questions about life and death. Like why him and not the other one? I am loving and adoring a little man that wouldn't be here if not for death. In many ways he has healed us, as one of my friend's said "if he doesn't heal some broken hearts I don't know what will." I have to believe that there is a reason for this. That Blaine left so Caleb could be here. I still miss Blaine and the endless possibilities of what could have been. But now I have Caleb and although my dreams for Caleb are different I have a future to look forward to again.

Random Thoughts

I was watching a silly sci fi movie and the female lead was preggo and I kept thinking "the stress of this is going to cause her to lose the baby" and then at one point an alien grabs her and I thought "there the baby is dead now."

Pre Blaine if I saw someone staring at Abby on the subway or something I would automatically think "pedophile." Now I automatically think "did they lose a little girl?"

On the bus Tuesday there was a woman and she kept looking at us and then I saw her wipe a tear from her eye. She was maybe mid 50's and I found myself wondering how many babies she had lost.

Usually once an hour, if not more, I find myself thinking of Blaine, of the other babies I know of, of my BLM sisters, of pregnancy and loss in general. It is never far from my mind or heart and therefore many of my thoughts are these random wanderings about loss and grief. A friend of mine counselled me after I returned to work that this grief and loss would "always be a scratch away from the surface." I may return to somewhat normal living and seem like I've got it together but it is always there. Always at the surface, just a scratch away. It makes me wonder if I will ever go a waking hour without having a thought or a pause. I actually kind of hope not.

More on Yesterday

I felt a little strange having Caleb at the event yesterday. I said to Arthur on the way home that I almost feel bad bringing him cause I can just imagine how it makes some people feel. I thought when I was fresh with grief the sight of a little boy would have broken my heart. But then I realized that Caleb is different. He isn't just another baby, he's a rainbow. When I first lost Blaine the sight of babies made me sad but the sight or the idea of a rainbow didn't. It gave me hope. Hope that I could have another baby. That this wasn't the end. That it did work out eventually. I still feel that way when I hear about someone having a subsequent pregnancy. And I still get a little jealous or even angry when I hear about someone who has never lost a baby having another. I found out yesterday a cousin had her baby, distant cousin, a baby boy. I wasn't mad but I couldn't help but think "why does she get one." Especially with the fact that some of my friends are still struggling to have their rainbow. I wonder if that sense of unfairness ever goes away.

Gone Too Soon

I just returned from a wonderful event hosted by Dana and Jackie. It was a family picnic and balloon release to recognize all of our babies, gone too soon, born beautiful. It was nice to spend some time with "my people." lol

It was nice to see Dana and Jackie and there was a couple there that we went to group with back in the beginning. It was good to see them again.

Here are some photos:

August 19th - Day of Hope

A Simple Task Like Sorting Clothes

I'm going through Caleb's 0-3 month clothes and giving some away/packing some keepsakes. We had not bought a lot of stuff for Blaine but there were some outfits sent by my Aunt out west. They were all 0-3 or 3-6 months. So, Caleb has gotten to wear some of his big brother's clothes. I find myself a little sad now that he's outgrowing them. Once he's past 6 months there won't be any more. He'll never get anything else from his big brother.
That sounds strange since his big brother never lived, never wore clothes. He came into the world naked and his body left naked.
Another way to look at it is that he got his life from his brother. Like I said in yesterday's post, there wouldn't be a Caleb if there were a living Blaine. As harsh as that is it makes me want to love this little monkey even more. To give him more, teach him more, spend more time with him, kiss him and squeeze him more.

The Other

I was talking to hubby last night about how we really should be planning a one year old's birthday party right now. Blaine was due Sept 18th 2010. If he were anything like his monkey brother he might have come Sept 19th. That's a Monday this year, we would have the family over that day, nothing big, a cake for him to smash up and make a mess with, some presents, balloons, pizza, that kind of thing. And then I realized, something we've both been thinking of for the past 11 weeks...there would be no Caleb. We can't have both. If Blaine were with us, Caleb would not be. In order to have Caleb, Blaine has to be dead. I think it would be easier sometimes not to believe in souls. To believe that any baby is any baby. There is no "Blaine" just a dead baby and then we got another baby. But that's not what I believe. I believe that little lost boy had his own soul and would have been his own man and have his own personality. He's gone and now there's another little man here, completely different. I love Caleb with every fibre of my being. So, this is the toughest part for me. I don't feel guilty for loving Caleb as much as I do. I just feel strange. That I get to love this little monkey because my son died. I don't know what to do with that. Hubby says Blaine died so we could have Caleb. I said, maybe Caleb has something important to do in this world, cure a disease or something. So, Blaine had to go for Caleb to be born to us so that he could do what he has to do. The morbid thoughts and rationalization of babylost parents. Anyone out there reading this? Have you had a rainbow? How do you deal with this realization?