Day 7 and 8 - Photos

The above is a photo that makes me both happy and sad. It's my answer for Day 7 and Day 8 both. It makes me happy because I have a beautiful family. We were blessed to be able to share this vacation together. My daughter loved Disney and getting all dolled up like a princess! We had a great time at the pool and at the beach. It was our first real family vacation away.

It is sad because it is exactly one week to the day that Blaine was born dead. We already had the trip planned and so we decided to still go. It was a good decision and was much better than sitting at home crying. But someone is missing from this picture. Someone should have been with us. I should not have been able to drink by the pool. I should not have been as comfortable as I was in the car ride down. I should have been buying Blaine a stuffed Mickey for when he finally arrived safe. So, our wonderful family vacation so full of great memories and love is tainted by what should have been.

Day 6

Day 6 - 20 Things that calm you

in no particular order...

a good book
prayer
a massage from hubby
big hugs from Abby
looking at Blaine's things
listening to music
watching movies
taking a walk with a friend and chatting
a good long cry
chocolate
going to the spa
a good meal
good wine
blogging
rubbing my pendant between my fingers

and that's all I can think of right now. 20 is a lot!

Day 5 of 30 Days of Questions

Day 5 - your favorite quote...my all time favourite quote was always this "life is only given to me once and I shall never have it again, I don't want to wait for the happiness of all, I want to live myself or else better not live at all." from Fyodor Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. I even wrote it as my quote in my high school yearbook. Since B I've also became a fan of the following:

"there is no footprint so small that it cannot leave an impact on this world" not sure who said this

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" Luke 12:34, I just read this one today. A dear friend at work gave me a beautiful card with this on the cover.

and many others, too many to mention.

I wanted to let everyone know I have been reading your blogs everyday still. I just don't have the energy at home to leave comments. Sorry :( I'm being a bad blogger friend but once I feel better, i.e. not nauseaus and exhausted, I will be back!

30 Questions in 30 Days

I am stealing this from several other people!! And I'm four days behind so I will do the first four questions now to get caught up

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why...Easy, "In My Bones" and "The Dance" and "Yellow" remind me of Blaine (plus about a hundred more!). There are none that I can't listen to.

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss...none that I can think of. I watch a lot of movies and it was never an issue. I can think of one that disturbed me before B and I can't imagine watching ever again "Revolutionary Road."

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you... I have become a big fan of silly shows like "wipeout" and "glee" Shows where you don't have to think. I can no longer watch anything too serious or with a lot of blood and guts, sorry no more "Law and Order" :(

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?...I don't really have a favourite and that hasn't changed. I like a lot of books, "The Chronicles of Narnia," "The Lord of the Rings," "Twilight." I seem to favour series rather than books that are just a one off.

Dove Release

Today we attended a dove release organized by PBSO. They are a bereavement group that hubby and I attend twice a month. I have really enjoyed going to this group and the other parents are very supportive and kind. Hubby and I were joined by Big Sis, Grandma (my mom) and one of my good friends who is also my daughter's Godmother and would have been one of Blaine's "Aunties." It was a really sweet event. We walked through the graveyard, quite a walk actually since we didn't really know where we were going. We joined with the group and then we all walked to the Children's Memorial Garden. The background of this garden is heartbreaking and makes me all the more fortunate to have had my miracle reunion with Blaine's body. Back around 40 - 60 years ago, maybe longer, hospitals would take the babies that died and bury them all in the same spot in this graveyard. The graves are unmarked and the hospitals didn't keep records. So, they're not quite sure how many babies are there or who they belong to. One woman, 45 years ago, lost her preemie son. He lived for 4 days. She was not allowed to see him or hold him. When he died the doctors told her he would be buried in a coffin with a woman who had just died. Can you imagine? She was obviously upset about this and didn't give up. She found out the truth, that her son has been buried somewhere in this plot with all of these other babies. So, she set out on a mission of her own. She created the garden in memory of all of these lost children. It's very sad and you really feel as you walk towards it that you are somewhere sacred. I can't imagine living back then. When the doctors decided when or if you'd see your child, where your child would be buried and whether or not they told you the truth. It's really disgusting but I understand it was a different time and different mentality. I just know how it feels to not know where your child's body is. And it almost drove me mad. I read a poem at the release and only cried a little! I read the poem from Blaine's memorial card. My daughter stood beside me and she left a teddy bear in the garden, she said "we're leaving it for Blaine." I met a fellow BLM there who I only know on FB. And most of our support group was there. So, it was a comfortable place to be. Afterwards we went and visited my maternal grandparents who are buried at the cemetary. No one has visited them in 23 years so we couldn't even find the plaque it was covered in grass. But hubby found it and unearthed it. We agreed to come back in the spring and clean it up and bring flowers. I don't know where my grandparents souls are but I really hope they're with Blaine.
It was a good peaceful day and I liked spending it focused on him. I do feel like I neglected the little bean inside me though. I walked way too much and haven't eaten much today so I have to spend tonight on her (I've decided I'm having a girl, I knew at about this time with Abby and Blaine too so I'm sure I'm right). I'm still deciding how much of the bean to discuss on here. I want to keep this Blaine's place. His "blogshrine." But I can't deny the fact that much of my thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy stem from losing Blaine. I also want to be sensitive to people reading this. But I can't write for a reader, I have to write for myself. So, I will have to figure it out as I go along.
Thank you to Jill for giving me the One Lovely Blog Award!! I'm deciding whether this entitles me to choose ten more!!

A Good Laugh

I have been assured by my Korean coworker that signs like these actually exist in Korea and Japan!! No offense intended to anyone but these are hilarious! You would think a tourist would mention it. There is no real point to this blog but these photos made me laugh so hard I cried and we can all use that once in awhile so please escape with me for a minute and enjoy...

Request

Today's blog is really a request. I'm doing a new feature for Dead Baby Club and need some help. Every month we are featuring a blog and a certain topic. This month it's multiple loss and we are featuring Jessica's blog. This is just the second month and I've done them both but don't have all the ideas!! Next month's feature is TTC After Loss. If you know of any blogs that deal with this topic on a regular basis then please make some suggestions. And make sure you check out this month if you haven't already.