Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter. The therapist I saw after I went crazy last summer kept trying to get me to think this way. Instead of envisioning a negative outcome why not envision a positive one. Neither will prepare you if the worst does happen and it's not like focusing on the negative will make it hurt less. So, why not just think positive. At the time I was seeing her it made sense to me but I was not ready for it. I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of thinking that things were going to work out. The proverbial *&^% had just hit the fan. The mind is an incredibly powerful tool. It protects us in so many ways. It protected me in the past, it even protected me when Blaine was born. It selectively blocks out certain things we can't handle and lets in others we need. Any good doctor or midwife will tell you it can even help you overcome physical pain like those you experience in labour. Not to say that thinking positive will always result in cupcakes and butterflies. However, negative thinking almost always results in failure. If you go into a situation thinking you can't handle it then you probably won't be able to handle it. Why not give it a try? So, in the spirit of embracing this new attitude I wiped today and did not look for blood! For the first time since I found out I was pregnant I did not check the toilet paper for blood. It was literally a debate between my anxious self and my new positive self. Picture a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other... "just check it won't hurt" "but why I'm fine I don't need to check all the time" "why not, what if something is wrong, you want to catch it early on don't you" "yes but there's nothing wrong and I don't need to do this everytime" And positive Elaine won! The angel kicked the devil's butt right out of the bathroom! I really feel like I'm at a point where I can take these steps. There is nothing worse than losing a child. I would gladly suffer physical pain every minute of every day for the rest of my life to have Blaine here with me. I survived it. I always told myself I would never survive the loss of a child but I did. I am not totally responsible, I did it with the help of lots of people and God. I survived it. My mind did not completely break. I can trust it to help me get through the next several months without meds. And if I can train myself well enough then maybe I won't need to go back on them when I'm done breastfeeding either. For someone who doesn't even like to take headache medication that's huge. The idea that I can live my life without any meds. I hope this positive feeling stays with me. I hope it's not just some rush of hormones or self denial.