Year Wrap Up, kind of depressing no?

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
cremate a child; find out that I'm pregnant twice in the same year; start blogging; take Abigail to Disney

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
don't make them

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
me and my sister

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my son

5. What countries/states did you visit?
Florida and the states in between Canada and Florida

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
a successful pregnancy; a summer off to spend with Abby and baby

7. What dates/events from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 15th - found out I was preggo; April 11th - the day I went into labour; April 13th - the day I delivered Blaine; June 29 - the day I snapped! September 17th - found out I was preggo; December 22nd - found out baby was a boy! Also, taking Abby to Florida on vacation; Niagara Falls with hubby

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
surviving

9. What was your biggest failure?
Blaine's death

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
only if mental counts

11. What was the best thing you bought?
wii ; trip to Florida

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my fellow blm's who embraced me and got me through the worst; my husband; my daughter

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
won't name names

14. Where did most of your money go?
food and daycare fees

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
having a baby

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
In My Bones - Blue Rodeo

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? sadder
b) thinner or fatter? fatter
c) richer or poorer? poorer in cash flow; richer in spirit

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
play with my daughter; cherish my pregnancy

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
scream

20. How did you spend Christmas?
cooking and cleaning

21. Which blogspot people did you meet this year?
only one IRL, Dana

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
yes, with my kids and hubby

23. How many one-night stands?
none

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Vampire Diaries

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
not hate but dislike

26. What was the best book you read?
"fearless" by Max Lucado

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The album Recovery. I discovered that while Eminem may not be a BLM he "gets it" The grief, the rage, the depression. It's amazing how someone like that can sum it all up. " I can't tell you how it really is I can only tell you what it feels like and right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe."

28. What did you want and get?
a baby

29. What did you want and not get?
a living baby

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
I've watched lots but they're mostly a blur, maybe "The Last Airbender"

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
dinner and a movie, 32

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not cremating my son

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
no fashion sense

34. What kept you sane?
God, friends, writing

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
no idea, maybe the guy from the V.D.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
abortion

37. Who did you miss?
Blaine

38. Who was the best new person you met?
that's a tough one because I have met so many amazing women online, friends and sisters.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
life is incredibly unfair; not only do bad things happen to good people but the worst of things happen to the best people; I can survive almost anything.

Rest from the Holidays

Today I think everything caught up with me. The hustle and bustle that has been my past week. I haven't slept too much these past couple of days because Abby has a bad cough and cold. I've had to do way too much housekeeping for my liking! And then there's the emotions of it all. Today it all caught up and I spent until about 1:30pm on the couch. Me on one end and my daughter on the other watching hours of stupid cartoons. Finally I dragged us up and we went for a walk and now I'm making leftovers into a stew. I'm feeling a little bitter today. It boggles my mind that I can spend all of Christmas day with people, "family" and they don't once mention Blaine. And all of the next day with my "family" and they can't mention him. The more I think about it the more I'm just disgusted with all of them. My in laws and my family. I guess once someone's been cremated they're out of the family. I don't even think I was expecting anything better or more. So, I really shouldn't be all that surprised. At least today I got to wallow and rest. To take the time to just reflect on what the past week has been and what it should have been. I will be glad for this year to be over. I have this whole speech prepared for them all once I give birth to Caleb. How I'm going to tell them that I want them to spend only the amount of energy and thought on Caleb as they did on Blaine. How they get to see Caleb as often as they mentioned Blaine. I know that sounds really unfair and bitter.
Today I got some bad news about a family friend. I wasn't even aware she was pregnant. But she is about 3 months pregnant with twins and they have died. She hasn't delivered them yet. We all know what an incredibly hard time she must be going through right now. Please say a prayer for her. That medically she will soon be past this and that emotionally she can find some peace with it.

Christmas

Christmas was not too bad. I think I was just so busy that I didn't have time to dwell on any of the negative. Not surprisingly no one mentioned Blaine or what was missing. Everyone was too wrapped up in what they got for Christmas or what the living kids were doing. That is everyone except Big Sis. She knows Christmas is Jesus birthday and she wondered if Blaine was at the birthday party and what they were doing. I said he's probably eating a really big piece of cake with lots of chocolate icing (a corner piece no doubt) and she replied "do you think he'll send me a piece?" lol How easy it is for kids to just take what you say as matter of fact. She and I talked about Blaine throughout the weekend. I know Daddy was thinking about him too. For Daddy's family, who we spent Christmas Day with, the day is mostly about what kind of presents they get. They're not believers and they are materialistic. So, it's all about money and toys. At my Mom's house yesterday I napped most of the afternoon, my sister came by with the kids and we all had dinner together. I loved playing with my nieces...even the baby. I held that baby most of the night. I spiked her hair up and I could see the way Daddy was looking at me. The look in his eyes like he was thinking what I was thinking, should have been Blaine on my lap. There were some sad moments like that but all in all it was peaceful. Big Sis was sick on Christmas Day and I was doing all of the cooking so I kept busy. Papa came for the weekend and brought a baby hat, sweater and blanket that our Aunt knit. She actually knit if for Blaine but no one told me. She never mentioned it until we got pregnant with Caleb. Now it will be for Caleb. I'm okay with that. Since, I never knew it was Blaine's it doesn't really belong to him. It coincidentally is a really nice shade of yellow. Caleb will look so cute in it. So, Christmas is over for another year. Thanks to everyone who sent us cards and notes. They were much appreciated.

Rediscovered Dreams

Today was a big day. I had my 18 week ultrasound today. My plan was to have my doctor write the sex of the baby on a Christmas card and we would read it on Christmas day. But Monkey had other plans. When it was my turn to look at the monitor Monkey decided to moon me. In between two perfect almond shaped butt cheeks there was clearly something dangling! Monkey is a boy!! A stubborn one too, kept moving in the wrong direction and putting his hand up to cover himself so we couldn't get good shots of everything.
I have never felt so much joy to see a penis in my life! That sounds weird I know. I totally would have been happy if I were having a girl, any living child would have been fine with me. There is something special about this baby being a boy though. Not that he will be a replacement for the boy we lost but it does mean that all of the hopes and dreams I had for a son are back. I will get to watch Daddy teach him to play ball and I'll get to dress him in sweater vests and ties! I get to watch Daddy teach him to shave and big sis teach him where to stash stuff she doesn't want Momma to find. I get a daughter in law and maybe one day I'll get to hold my son's son. I always thought I could raise the perfect man, well dressed, well mannered, a true gentleman, strong and sensitive. A momma's boy but a sporty one who's popular and kind. A man who loves his momma, his family and his God. All of those dreams were dashed away but I have hope in them once again.
I have been on cloud nine all day. Even with a bit of a nasty cold. Nothing could have wrecked today for me. Tonight I caught up with some blogs and wept. Tears of sadness and of joy. Joy that my prayers have been answered, and Lisa's! A friend from work who has been praying not just for the baby's health but that the baby be a boy! But there is a sadness for the boy that isn't here, for all of our babies lost this year. The boy who I will not get to share all of the above things with. My first born son. My first dead son. I hope the only child I will ever have to cremate. I wonder if every good thing in my life from now on will be just as bittersweet.

Milestones

For most 17 weeks is not a milestone. It doesn't mark any significant time or action in a regular pregnancy. For me though, it was huge. Today I am 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I was the same when Blaine was born. I was 17 weeks and 1 day when I went into labour. While logically I know that the chances of the exact same thing happening were next to none Friday was still a scary day. I wiped more often just to make sure. I didn't feel much movement on Friday but Saturday Monkey made up for it. None stop karate kicks and punches. The next big thing is Christmas. I'm scared something will happen on Christmas Eve or Day and it will ruin it for Abby. And then there's January 15th, the day I found out I was pregnant with Blaine. I could lose the Monkey on that day. I know I'm catastrophizing and nothing is likely to happen. I have these moments where I feel so good and positive and then they are usually overshadowed by fear that my bubble will burst. That I'm being set up for a loss. Another surprise. What is that scripture that says "do not fear for tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself?" That's what I'm trying to do but it's difficult.

Ouch Moments

Today I did the majority of my Christmas shopping. Yes, I take time off work to shop! I avoided anything to do with "Baby's First Christmas" and stuck to my list. I only snuck one little peek into the baby section of the store. I was doing fine. Got everything I wanted for my daughter and hubby. Got my mom's gift. Just have three more things to pick up and I'm done!! Then I was walking through this one store. I'm not normally a label person but there's one brand of sports clothes that I like, you know the kind Sue wears on Glee?!?! My favourite brand. There was a whole rack of cute little jogging suits for baby boys in this store. I teared up a little because trust me Blaine would have had the red and the blue set under the tree! I almost thought to buy one for Monkey but what if I'm wrong and Monkey is a girl. Daddy's not going to let her wear a boy's jogging suit around. I know it probably sounds silly but things like that I am missing out on and it makes me sad. I'm not one of those people who think Christmas is just about gifts but I do like to spoil my kid and I would have spoiled Blaine too. Even at just 4 months he would have had a full stocking and lots of gifts. I would have snuck him a little taste of mashed potatoes and maybe some cranberry sauce or bread pudding. He's be staring googly eyed at the dancing lights on the Christmas tree. He would have looked really cute in that blue jogging suit!!
So, my cousin who is having a boy and agreed to give him Blaine as a middle name has retracted her agreement. I'm a little bitter. She said she agreed because she didn't want to hurt my feelings but already had a name picked out. WHATEVER! I was planning a preggo girl get together at the spa with her and a friend of mine but now I kind of want to forget about going with her and just go with my friend. I know that sounds childish and I understand her agreeing to spare my feelings but once you agree to something like that you can't go back on it. It would be as much an honour for HER SON to be named after one of my children as it would be for me.
Anyways, I've had some ouch moments this week but in general I'm feeling pretty good about the holidays and the Monkey.

Photos

Two new name photos courtesy of my friend Lisa, we used to work together but now she has embarked on adventures in babysitting! She had a friend take these in Jamaica! Blaine basking in the sun.